Going in Circles – Our Search for a Satisfying Relationship ©1978, School of Metaphysics
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Going in Circles:
Our Search for a Satisfying Relationship
by Dr. Barbara Condron
The Nine Keys
Our Most Common Errors
Power and Perspective of Sex
THE CIRCUMFERENCE OF THE CIRCLE
It vitalizes and rejuvenates. It causes our adrenalin to flow. It sends shivers throughout our minds and bodies. It brings us to the top, and sometimes leaves us dangling there.
Philosophers philosophize it. Musicians sing it. Psychologists categorize it. Ministers eulogize it. Each of us experience it.
Love. Circular and cyclical.
Although we will only be concerned with loving relationships between males and females in this book, if we can open doors for understanding and practicing love more fully, the effects will be seen in any love relationship. We will explore love from different angles, at its best and its worst. Concepts of balance, respect, initiative, desire and fulfillment will become part of not only your vocabulary but your thinking.
We won’t pull punches. We won’t make excuses. We won’t give “easy outs”. In life and love there are no such things. In exploring and defining as well as practicing love, we will find that our ability to experience and express depends solely on our ability to experience and express love within our Self.
The opportunities, the problems, the ups and downs, the unrequited loves, the loves we’ll never forget, those we’d rather forget, the fantasies, the standards and conditions, and a host of experiences the searching adult encounters, will be the meat of this journey into the whys, wherefores and therefores of love. In our quest, it will become apparent what is really behind that insatiable urge to mate. It will also become apparent why, so often, those urges lead us into quarrels, misunderstandings, ultimatums, separations and depressions.
If we can logically see these causes and put them to use in the relationships we are creating, we will begin to be mature, loving individuals. We will begin expressing that continuous line which never ends representing completeness and balance.
The Nine Keys
A Continuous Line…
THE NINE KEYS
The first question is probably, “Why ‘nine’ keys?” Numerologically, the symbol represents completion. In order to complete anything we must go through the experience. When we complete any project or phase of our lives there is accomplishment. Peace. Contentment. Nine also represents cycles. Symbolically we’re considering love as a cycle evolving to completion of the goals of peace, contentment and happiness. Even the structure of the symbol 9, is created by a circle at the end of a straight line.
So there are nine significant keys to a successful love relationship. Each is an important sector for a mature, healthy and growing relationship between a man and a woman. As these are explored, their individual importance not only to the relationship, but also to our Self, will become apparent. If these can be applied to our Self as well as the love we want to share with another, we can begin balancing each part of our total Self.
What are these magical qualities? For a mature relationship the greatest fulfillment is found when love, tolerance, laughter, integrity, communication, involvement, friendship, adaptability, and sex are found in equal proportions. When one or more of these is lacking in love relationships, we feel slightly discontent. Something is missing, but we’re not sure what. More often than not, we try to overcompensate in an area we’re familiar with, rather than explore that “thing” that is missing. In this way, we find ourselves continually pouring time and energy into a relationship we eventually abandon as a “lost cause”. Afterall, haven’t you tried everything you could to make it work?
The answer is usually no.
For instance, you might lack the ability to adjust to the changing ideas and behavior of your partner. Or this might be a physical change, such as moving to a new city due to your partner’s promotion. This indicates that what is lacking in your view of the relationship is adaptability. You might try to deal with this “something” that is missing by loving your partner even more. In your mind, this is the first seed of dependency. “I’ll go because I love you, and I want to keep this relationship”. This statement in itself does not have to imply a negative perspective, but consider the chain of events which arise because you lack adaptability and refuse to deal with the actual problem.
In overcompensation for what’s “missing” you place more attention upon the love. At this point you move because this love attachment motivates you. You find yourself in a new place, with no job, no friends, no contacts. You expect your attention upon the love ( or partner) will see you through. You depend upon your partner to do the work and bring to you the job, friends, and contacts. You lack a sense of independence and value in your ability to accomplish these. You eventually are bored from not having a job. You don’t like your partner’s friends, and the contacts are not in your field of interest. You begin criticizing, nagging, or envying your partner’s ability to be successful while you’re floundering in a situation you thought would work because you had “love”. You build fears, resentments, and jealousies in your Self until either you or your partner decide it will never work. The relationship ends.
All this, merely because you didn’t deal with the actual problem you were experiencing. You insisted upon throwing your Self and the relationship off balance through the substitution of love for adaptability. In essence, had you been honest, you could have admitted it was not that you “wanted to keep this relationship”, rather you felt you “needed to keep this relationship”. There is a big difference. The first statement implies choice; the second implies habit.
In order to achieve and maintain a balance within your relationships, you want to review these nine keys and explore their meaning, significance, and practicality. As we do so, you will find each work very closely with the others to create a balanced, loving relationship- or the misplaced affections of the relationships you’d rather forget. Each part will offer you an opportunity to explore your use of mind and improve your abilities to understand and express these qualities. In this way you can begin to move in “a continuous line” toward your goal of a truly satisfying relationship. In addition, you’ll learn a great deal about your Self – mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.
Let’s begin with love.
What do we really know about it? We know it makes the world go ‘ round, at least that’s what “they” say, because “they” are not “you”.
First we need to explore this primary quality in depth. We have some preconceived ideas about love, and most of these, unfortunately, are based on what “they” have told us. The “they” we are referring to could be your parents, your school friends as you grew up, your minister, your favorite teacher, authors, politicians, or even the graffitti we often find tasteless and obnoxious.
How much control do we allow “them” to have? As you grow older you gain an uncertain sense of being independent. You realize to varying degrees that you are alone in this huge and sometimes frightening world. Your answer to the doubts, fears and disturbances this often creates within your Self is love. We are taught very early even if love is sometimes painful it is about the only thing that will see us through. To a child this idea is impressed upon him continually, even if he doesn’t have the most conducive environment to believe it (such as a victim of child abuse or an abandoned child). It’s one of the few things he does believe at a very young age, so even as an adult he tends to cling to that security we call love.
From the time we begin realizing that a great portion of our lives will be spent in following this elusive quality of love, we begin alternately desiring and fearing it, loving and hating it, believing and discounting it. We believe that love will cure anything. We hope that love will set everything right again. We think that love is the answer. But continually we end up finding that love is sometimes more bitter than sweet.
Let’s look at how we view love. If you ask someone to define love they will invariably start with “love is an emotion”. It is that perspective which is one of the root causes for the bitterness we experience. Since love supposedly begins and ends in the emotions, we must, out of necessity, see hate as the opposite of that love. We must also expect to experience that hate as often as we experience that love. Most people will not admit that they hate anyone. To hate something may be acceptable, for example, “ I hate working on Sundays” would probably meet with agreement rather than shock.
It has long been noted by those observers and perpetrators of the thought process whom we refer to as metaphysicians, that physical disease has its origins in thought receptivity rather than an errant physical virus. Consider how many times you’ve said to yourself, “ I think I’m going to be sick”. The thought indeed comes first. In relation to this scientists and psychologists are more and more beginning to realize that thought patterns can show health or illness.
Within the past several years it has been noted that the introvert is the one who is most likely to “get sick”. Why?. Consider the introvert holds all the thoughts, negative or positive, within his own space – being his body. As the thoughts reocurr, more energy is added. The energy is not dissipated in action or words,but still exists. It keeps building until we find a disorder in the physical body – the direct reflection and likeness of the negative thought. Each thought will effect a particular part of the body since each part of the body performs a specific physical function.
What about hatred that is held inside?
You might consider that it has, in the past several years, been statiscally shown that the incidence of cervical cancer in young adult women is amazingly increasing. Why? Consider that the causative agent for any cancer is hatred held within self. Cancer, afterall, is merely parasitic cells turning on themselves. Could the mental process corresponding to this cannibalism be hatred? If so, begin contemplating the physical sexual freedom now experienced by many adult women due to effective and “safe” birth control methods. Could this increase in cervical cancer be linked to the new sexual freedom, or the lack of mental preparedness for this change? This lack of preparation often stems from the limited view of seeing love and hate as only emotions.
Viewing love as emotion puts you into the precarious position of trying to achieve balance. Therefore, you have a love-hate axis that your thoughts sometime revolve around. This is all in the name of balance. It’s like a pendulum. When you start its swing it must go just as far in one direction as it did initially until finally it rests in the middle. A state of balance. Emotions are often the same way. When we view love as an emotion we have to expect as we swing to the heights of what we think is love, we must also experience the heights of hatred until we can reach a balance.
Have we burst any bubbles? “How am I to view love then?” you’re asking. Consider that within your mind, you have all the potential and capabilities for expressing and experiencing the fullest existence imaginable. If you consider your imagination a valuable part of your mind, rather than a convenient escape mechanism, you can begin utilizing this imagination to create what you desire. This process is called visualization and can be under your full control. This can be practiced at any time when you can give your full concentration and attention to what you desire to mentally create. For instance take a simple object, such as a flower or glass, and concentrate for five to ten minutes, mentally creating an exact replica in your mind of the actual physical article. This may take time and daily practice, but eventually if you are consistent you will see that you can mentally reproduce what is already physically manifested. This is much the same process followed by architects in creating a new building. They visualize the end product before it’s ever actually there in it’s physical glory. This process can lead you to similar ventures, you can begin creating with your thoughts, what you desire. This can be a job, a new house, a car, or the qualities you desire in a relationship. That is visualization – planning ahead and setting your mind into activity for what you desire.
It’s simple. Something you do each day. But this adds intelligence to that creation so you don’t end up creating something you do not want.
In this example of visualization, you can readily see that what is first being used is the mind. Your mental faculty is being used. This is a function of an inner part of yourself called the subconscious mind. Most of us use it without even realizing it. For most people their attention is constantly in the conscious mind, it is usually only when we sleep that our subconscious mind has a chance to express its opinions. So the full use of the subconscious mind takes concentration practice.
When we begin realizing the power of this part of our Self, we gain a broader perspective of our Self and our life. We begin to realize that thought comes first, As we give more life to that thought by bringing it back into the conscious mind, we eventually develop the ability to experience this thought in the emotions. Then it becomes a physical, conscious mind experience. So we can begin to see that emotion follows the mental process, and conscious awareness follows the emotion.
It is true also that since most of our attention is linked to the conscious mind, our communication with the subconscious is usually through our emotions. Emotions are what tie these parts of mind together. Emotions give us the continuum. If our attention is merely on the physical happenings we find that love does not become an emotion, rather than what it truly is, simply because we remain consciously unaware of it until it reverberates through the emotions.
Consider if the thought does come first then love must begin in the mental level of the subconscious mind. Only after it has built enough power or energy to move into the emotions do we consciously experience it. By that time it is often the sweet or the bitter we experience consciously. And often we feel that love is out of our control.
What then is a proper perspective for love? Consider love as a mental concern you have for another individual. This can easily be seen if you consider your love for a parent, or professor, or someone you respect and admire. Here there are not so many emotions to contend with. Here you will find a degree of objectivity and the important quality of respect. If you cannot respect your Self or the person you love, then how can you dare to call what you’re experiencing love? If you can learn that this is the same quality you experience in a male/ female relationship, you can begin to experience that love more freely and completely. You can stop being in “love” and start loving.
Aha! The difference between being “in love” and loving. How can that be different? When we view love from the emotions, we are “in love”. When we fall “in love” we sometimes find it very difficult to fall “out of love”. If your attention is placed on the process – the experience of giving and receiving, then you are “loving”. You gain the full benefit from the experience without wasting time or effort in unnecessary doubts and indesicions erupting from cresting emotions.
Another thought to consider in regard to loving and respect is honesty. It is sometimes so hard to be honest, yet undoubtedly it is something we all desire. However, we allow doubts and fears to rule here too. “What will the other person think if I’m honest? I don’t want to be rude. Can I be honest with myself?”. It is very difficult to be honest with your Self at times, but it can be done. Honesty does not imply rudeness, egotism, or hostility. Although it can be expressed in these ways. So you need to create a goal of being honest, first with your Self then with your partner. That is, if you really desire to experience love in its fullest expression.
To experience love in this manner in your relationship, you must formulate a goal for your relationship. Love, or the mental concern, will be a part of this goal but there needs to be a broad, inclusive and understanding viewpoint to create a satisfying experience. Consider the following excerpt from a past life reading
We see in the present period that there is an attraction between the two; however, we see neither has contemplated or cultivated this to any extent. We see that there is a tendency upon both parts to be quite infatuated with interesting characteristics, individuals or things. We see that both have developed or used this attitude toward one another. We see for this reason, there is not a fullness being experienced or expressed within the relationship. We see there is a recognition in both of the necessity to formulate the goal for the relationship. However, we see neither has chosen to do so. We see, as within the past, there is a tendency for both to recognize that a finality must be expressed for the relationship itself.
Would suggest to both at the present period to either formulate a goal for the relationship or abandon it.
Would suggest that this is in the process and should be brought into conscious awareness. Would suggest that both would benefit by a greater daily application of attempting to define goals in their own lives. Would suggest that this would be quite beneficial to each as individuals. This would also aid if the relationship is to continue to build and grow in the present period. (611789)
What would the possible goals for a relationship be? Consider that any situation you find your Self in is an opportunity to understand your Self as a total individual – spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically. This does, of course, include your relationships. If your goal in that relationship centers on creating the opportunities to understand your Self more fully, sharing that growth, and if your partner’s goals is similar, the relationship will always “work”. It will be stimulating and fulfilling for both of you.
When you set your goal as understanding your Self, each experience will present you with this opportunity. Specifically, you might want to understand and develop your confidence, talents, decision making, honesty, creativity, ability to change, improve communication, the list of possible goals is endless. But each of these will add to your knowledge of you as a total individual. Remember, set goals for your Self, then with your partner for the relationship. When this is done both of you can be responsible, mature adults moving toward a common goal. No one dictates the other’s actions. This is the beginning of respect. Visualize your goal now. Begin creating the relationship you desire.
One other basic thought we will consider about love is why we call sexual relations with another “making love”. If you consider that sex is a creative process, not just in physical terms, but in the ways we can learn about that process, then we are indeed creating or making love. Sounds simple? It is. More on that later.
Since this entire book is about love, we will say no more about the word. Just keep in mind that when you speak or act loving, have you really seen it with your mind first? Have you really created that thought and followed it through to the conclusion you desire? Are respect and honesty a part of your “loving”? It they are, you are off to a greater awareness of the process we call LOVE.
Rolling with the Punches
The word seems and even sounds heavy. Parents are tolerant. Ministers are tolerant. Old maid school teachers are tolerant.
Let’s look at the word in a new and brighter light. Our second key involves the qualities of acceptance and patience. This is not the bleeding heart martyrdom sometimes displayed by males and females. Rather it is the ability to roll with the punches. These are the manifestations of knowing, understanding and using honesty and respect.
First, it is important to understand what knowing is. Before you can know something you must believe there is a possibility for this to transpire. Consider the invention of the automobile. Before anyone had the car to use, it was in the imagination of Henry Ford. There had to be a process of mentally creating the vehicle before it could become a physical reality. Information and knowledge were gathered concerning parts, styles,energy sources, functionability and practicality. Then this research was gathered into a possible form before the drawing board plans were ever created, Finally, after many trials and errors, Ford had the finished product – the first automobile. Until this time, it was in the believing stage, just possibilities. Ford believed it would work. He thought it would hold its form, but he didn’t know until the actual day he could drive it. At this point he experienced his creation. He knew it worked. He had crossed this line from believing to knowing.
Our lives are the same way. Until we experience knowledge, information, understanding or ideas we do not know if they are true. For instance, if someone tells you it is raining outside you can only take their word for it, or believe it. You do not know until you look or go outside to experience it. The same is true with ideas and concepts, until you put these to use you are only acting on belief. If you take these concepts we are discussing in this book and put them to use in your life and relationships, you will see changes in your way of thinking and your behavior. You will also see an increase in your tolerance of your Self and others.
As we create knowing through experience we increase in our understanding. We begin to move forward. We can apply these understandings in future situations and we find we do not create the same errors consistently. In this process honesty is inclusive. If you are honest with your Self you will find many instances of working from only believing. This gives you a sense of adventure in being able to take these ideas and prove their validity. Not to anyone else, but to your Self. Then you begin building a sense of authority in what you think, say and do. You don’t have to quote “authorities” any longer because you can speak from your own experience, knowledge and understanding. Leonardo da Vinci, one of the greatest creators and inventors in the recent past, once said, “He who cites authority is exercising his memory instead of his reason”. Each of us are reasoning individuals. We have earned the right to recognize and make choices. To not utilize this ability is to allow it to become stagnant. If we don’t exercise a muscle it atrophies. The mind is the same.
To begin exercising your mind, take a sheet of paper. Draw a line down the center and label the left side “beliefs” and the right side “knowledge”. Below this, centered, place the words “I Am”. Now make a list of thirty self descriptive words placing them in the proper category of belief or knowledge. For instance, you might start with “I Am – a male”. This should be placed in the knowledge category since you have experienced being male. There is no doubts that you are physically in a male body; therefore, this is knowledge to you. Another response might be “I Am – confident”. Here honesty must be employed. Is this something you know, experience and use in your everyday life ( knowledge) or is confidence something you fantasize, admire and desire
( belief)? When you complete this list, you will have a good picture of where your authority lies and what goals you are creating (the beliefs). You will also be able to see the foundation (knowledge) you have to use to achieve these goals.
As we exercise our own ability to reason, we begin giving others a similar respect for being able to solve their situations. We can aid, encourage and give advice, but we realize the final choice is always theirs. This is the beginning of being able to understand and use tolerance. We begin to view each individual as a total, functioning being with capabilities, understandings, and opportunities which allow them to experience their Self and others more fully.
When we begin applying these thoughts to our relationships, we relax our attitudes, We realize our responsibility only entails our thoughts and actions, our partner’s responsibility includes their thoughts and actions. We become partners in an equally valuable way:
We see within the past period given, the one of the female to have been the one that this one desired a relationship with. We see that there was a closeness within that time period which developed; however, we see that due to what was previously related there was not the total satisfaction for either within the relationship. We see in the present period that a similar relationship exists. We see that there is a great opportunity for both to be very close in a way of being very honest; not only with each other but within the Self as well. Would suggest to these ones perhaps as a goal for both in being able to develop the relationship to a further extent. Would suggest if there is not the relaxation in the attitudes of both in aiding this to transpire then the relationship will once again be incomplete in both eyes. Would suggest to both if there can be the cultivation in each of a clean and clear honesty, that there will be a greater sense of perspective as well as completion within each as individuals as well as in the relationship. (6127814)
Equally important you begin seeing your Self in the same iridescent light. When you begin expressing this tolerance in relationships, many of the caustic and cynical remarks cease. Love becomes something to build, not destroy. To practice of tolerance gives you and your partner freedom and develops that trust that is an important part of any relationship.
Laugh… and the world laughs with you
It can be a full, round one.
It can be in place of tears, It can be a self – conscious one because you’re not sure how to react to the situation. It can be an expression of amazement.
Laughter, our third key. There are so many ways we use this expression. We can go to a funny movie and be stimulated to express full, round laughs, similar to those on the laugh tracks of many television shows. The situation we’re viewing is truly a source of humor. It might be the outrageousness of the situation portrayed, much like the old Charlie Chaplin movies, or it could be the sensitivity portrayed that we respond through laughter.
It is interesting to observe people laughing. To see what and why people laugh can be an education in itself. As Michael Valentine in Stranger in a Strange Land noticed in visiting earth, human beings are strange, they laugh when there is really a desire to cry. If you laugh when what you really desire is to cry, then this is telling a great deal about your Self and the way you view your world.
Laughter is important to a relationship. The use of laughter can build the greatest sense of security and confidence in our Self. It gives us a sense of control of our own thoughts and a sense of direction for the relationship.
Why? Because laughter is built on two important qualities – proper perspective and objectivity.
We have explored a different meaning to love. We’ve decided to consider love as a mental concern which is manifested through the emotions into our conscious, physical experience. To some, this concept may appear harsh or cold at its first consideration, and if this is the case you will gain little from this book. However, if you can see that love indeed starts with a mental concern you will be able to also see the importance of objectivity in expressing that love.
In order to be objective, we must cultivate a sense of perspective. Proper perspective refers to our ability to create logical patterns of thought regarding any situation. For instance, if you desire a new job, to truly place this in proper perspective you need to investigate and think the situation through. Your first consideration is the type of job you want. You decide a managerial position with travelling would be exciting and fulfill your desire to express your knowledge and skills as well as afford you the opportunity to meet different types of people. Is this where you stop? Not if you’re wise. What kind of company do you want to move to another city? Do you have a spouse and family to consider? What salary do your require. What salary do you want?
And there are many other questions that you need to answer as you pursue this new idea. “ I want a new job”. It may sound difficult at first, afterall you’re exercising your mind and as we’ve discussed this can be painful. But if you consider the amount of control this will give you in creating a new situation, the decision process becomes easier. So do the consequences.
For instance, perhaps you want a managerial position with traveling. You take one of the first that you hear about because you are excited by the mere idea. A month later you find your Self underpaid, you may have to move three hundred miles to another office, you have to front the money for your training, and your spouse is angry because you’re gone so often. Even the traveling you’re doing is intrastate and to small communities. You are indecisive and increasingly irritated. It was supposed to work! All these problems weren’t supposed to arise. At this rate you can’t even pay the bills! Now, instead of one decision – wanting a new job – you have what may seem like hundreds to make. All this happens simply because you weren’t detailed enough in your visualization and creation of that one desire. You didn’t see the total picture.
Undoubtedly, many of the problems which arise in our life relationships can be accredited to this type of haphazard thinking and activity. When we can build a sense of perspective into our lives we can begin seeing the total picture of our desires. This alleviates many of the problems and emotional disturbances we otherwise experience. Taking a total picture gives us a sense of objectivity. It requires emotional control.
Consider the following excerpt from a past life reading:
We see that once again there is a certain appreciation that each have experienced in the past and present of the other’s sense of humor or ability to see a more positive side of situations. We see this is a beneficial tool for both but these ones do not recognize the extent of its use. Suggest for these ones to contemplate this and see the purpose and full scope of what is practiced in this manner. We see many times there is just the ability to remove the attention from the situation causing distress. We see, however, this pattern affords each the opportunity to see a broader picture and alternatives where the focalizing on the event is merely a blinding situation for both. We see both have this ability and appreciate it in the other. We see both would benefit from the recognition of this. Suggest that in this way much of the distrust which existed in the past would not exist at all in the present. (6117814)
Emotional control. No, that does not mean repression, suppression or denial of your emotions. As we have discussed, emotions are what give the mind the final power to manifest anything. So emotions are one of the most valuable assets in obtaining our desires. Emotions are contagious, sometimes. Just like laughter can be contagious. They can be the greatest stimulant to any situation, if they are used. If they use us we find emotions often become the greatest depressant.
So we once again come back to choice.
To exercise your ability to see a total picture and begin understanding emotional control, take one word from the “belief” category you’ve already created. Place this at the top of another sheet of paper. Recognize this as something you desire to possess – this is your goal. For instance, your goal is confidence. This should be placed at the top of the page. Now decide where you can practice this – maybe you belong to an organization and other members want you to present the monthly program. You want to do it but you’re a little scared. You see this as an excellent opportunity to develop and create your confidence. Below the word confidence you would write “Giving a speech at the “X” club meeting”. Next you would decide when you will do this “Thursday, September 1 at 7:30p.m.” This would be your next entry. The next step is deciding what you want to speak on – “Creativity”. Now you have all the necessary details of your goal, as it will be applied in your experience. You have the who, what, when, where and why. You are beginning to develop a total picture.
Incorporating a sense of objectivity into your way of thinking enables you to recognize your choices. At this point, nothing is impossible to accomplish. With the use of objectivity you can become more honest with your Self and others because you see not only your side but the other’s as well. Your understanding blossoms.
With a sense of objectivity and proper perspective, you begin to realize just how powerful you are as an individual. You begin to realize that there is nothing you cannot create or change. You can benefit from every situation. Your choices are unlimited. At this point your laughter becomes sincere, and not a handy escape mechanism because you don’t know how to react in a situation. You can laugh, and truly mean it, even in the face of what some might call adversity. You can also see the light at the end of the tunnel. And if it’s not readily there, you know how to create it.
The ‘Beat Me’ Syndrome
S. & M.
More commonly referred to by their full names, sadism and masochism. Little did we suspect that integrity, our forth key, had anything to do with these two extremes. But it does.
Integrity can most easily be stated as the ability to assert your Self, not compromising your Self. In other words, if your partner wanted you to rob the ninety year old lady next door, you would probably not only think he/she was crazy, but you’d probably move out as well. If you compromise your Self, your own sense of respect and appropriateness of behavior, you would probably go along with the idea and end up with five to ten years.
This is, of course, an obvious choice for most of us, but some are a great deal more subtle. As the lines we draw become slimmer and greyer, we find it increasingly difficult to say no even when, in the back of your mind, something is tugging. We call this “something” a conscience. It can also be referred to as your subconscious mind. Consider for a moment that the subconscious mind is that part of the mind which holds everything you have experienced consciously and understood. This has been filed in your subconscious memory banks for permanent, safe keeping. We’ve discussed that you function with this part of mind continually, but usually don’t realize it. If you learn to tap this part of mind, all your understandings are at your beck and call. So when you are heading consciously toward another disastrous love affair “something” ( or that subconscious mind) is trying to say, “Hey, wait a minute! You’ve been through this before and learned something, aren’t you going to pay attention to it? Or, are you going to do it all over again?” Your conscious mind always has the last word, so many times you do things when you really “know better”. You also meet the consequences.
If you do this continually, you can consider your Self masochistic. Masochism is an action of the mind. It does not always imply being beaten with whips and chains. It does imply self-defeating thinking, hence self-defeating behavior. This can be occasional thoughts or daily thoughts. Masochism can be slightly or maniacally depressing. We’re not really concerned with the extent or severity of the masochistic thought as much as the source.
Masochistic thoughts are self-condemning thoughts. “I can’t do anything as well as my partner. I’ll never be as good a husband/wife as my father/mother was. I hate being slow, ugly, old”. Each of these statements indicate masochistic behavior. Each is not only negative, but is a comparison with someone else or something else. You’ve lost sight of your individuality. You’re lacking perspective and objectivity. You’re allowing your conscious ego to control you. Consider the following excerpt:
We see these ones expressing in male/female forms. We see this to be within the area now referred to as Russia. We see for the one of the female to have been quite captured by the one of the male. We see the one of the male during this time period to have been a poet and philosopher. We see that this one was of a very romantic nature. We see the one of the female enveloped emotionally with the concepts and the ideas of the one of the male. We see that the relationship ensued upon this premise… we see that there were tendencies for these ones to be quite emotional in nature and not to recognize that proper perspective was needed within the relationship. We see that there were times when both would seek the other out in order to gain justification or sympathy in their personal stands and decisions. We see that there was a tendency eventually to rely one upon the other for any type of decision which was made. Would suggest that in the present period of time the relationship is taking a similar course. Would suggest to both to review what has been related previously and to begin recognizing that the goals for Self are indeed important to each. Would suggest that in this way these ones will be able to better formulate what is desired by the Self and then be able to see more clearly why a relationship can exist and what can be gained from it within the present period of time. Would suggest to these ones rather than functioning from the ego in such a manner to place more attention on what can be given as well as received one from the other. In this way the relationship will be more fulfilling for both… Would suggest to these ones that honesty is necessary in being able to see what is being created within the Self as well as within the relationship. Would suggest that in employing honesty and becoming more objective that each would be able to shift their emphasis and begin to make the relationship more productive within the present period of time. (129781)
Sadism is the other end of the stick. It also indicates the ego is using us. Undoubtedly for there to be martyrdom ( or masochism) there must also be the viciousness of the sadist. Sadistic thinking occurs when we start thinking we’re better than someone else. It often manifests in criticism of others, or perhaps a “poor dear” attitude, or a “when you get older you’ll understand” attitude. Sadism occurs in each of us when we think we’re better and we make sure whoever we’re better than knows it.
Internally, this behavior is self-destructive. We either live in a fantasy world of how great we are – being all talk and no action- or we try to live in this world and find we’re continually miserable because we know we’re living a lie. Yes, even sadists have a “conscience”. Consider the following excerpt:
We see within the present period there is once again an enjoyment of the expression of both. We see this is often a source of irritation. We see that this is created when each focuses the attention on the outward actions or words that are being spoken rather than the inner intent. Would suggest to both to place more attention upon what is felt within the Self and to be able to express this in a manner in accordance with what is being felt. Would suggest that there is often a misunderstanding within the Self for both within the present. Wee see this is due to these ones not placing attention upon aligning the inner and outer selves. Would suggest that as this is done there would be less of a need for many of the facades of games which are being played at the present time. Would suggest to these ones that the games which are played can be quite beneficial for both for their learning experiences within the present period of time; however, would suggest that in this way these ones would come to more understanding about the Self as well as the relationship. Would suggest particularly to the one of the male to begin recognizing that the strength which is desired is not in the facades which can be created; however, is within the Self. Would suggest to the one of the female to review the importance of Self rather than seeing the actions of the one of the male as being threatening or spurring a defensive reaction. Would suggest that both consider the relationship to be that of recognizing a balance and the proper use of the ego. Would suggest that in both there is a tendency to allow the ego to control themselves in a rather negative manner. Would suggest that this is in relation to what has been given. Would suggest that this manifests within the female as inferiority and within the male as superiority. Would suggest that as more objectivity is gained and this is recognized by both that there will be greater balance that can be incorporated within the Self through understanding. (429783)
In both sadistic and masochistic thinking, we find our egos are out of balance. If you swing one way, you must also swing the opposite. This attempt at balance is very similar to the love-hate pendulum. The interesting thing is that each of our actions or behavior patterns is developed through thinking. If we are masochistic thinkers we might not manifest this as a “beat me” syndrome, but a “bear it” syndrome. Each are equally defeating, Wanting to love and be loved, form the emotional standpoint, you might decide you’ll put up with anything to keep this relationship. Even though you know the purpose has been fulfilled. And you know you’re miserable without it. But if you’re miserable in it,what’s the difference?
Sadistic thinking does not always manifest as the “inflicting physical pain syndrome” but can be an “error syndrome”. Here you are afraid to experience or express your uncomfortableness in certain activities or accomplishments so you avoid them by stressing your victories. Quite often sadism arises from a fear of failure. If you sound good to others, maybe you’ll convince your Self. If you can exert this influence or control on someone else, you can be strong and powerful. If your partner will “put up” with you even though you are a bastard/bitch, then you must be right afterall. However, the person putting up with such behavior is often the balancing opposite, the masochist. No one wins. But you do learn. Sooner or later you realize the situation isn’t working. You learn and move on.
We see both to be expressing in similar forms to the present period. We see within that lifetime both were lovers. We see that there was a very brief association; however, we see that there was much given, one to the other. We see, however, that upon the part of the female there were many attitudes of not being understood or the other not receiving what was offered. We see upon the part of the male there was an egotistical attitude of wanting to overprotect or make all the decisions for the one of the female. We see this was a source of conflict between the two… would suggest that within the present period of time there is a tendency to fall into the same pattern. Would suggest to the one of the female to begin placing more attention and respect upon herself in being able to recognize that if the Self understands the concepts and ideas which were desired to relay, it is merely an expression of the Self to do so. Would suggest to the one of the male to consider the attitude of respect of the Self in as much as this one, as he controls his own thoughts, need not expect or demand to control others. (4307815)
When you begin utilizing a sense of respect and honesty in your Self and your relationships, you can begin seeing these gray areas of S. & M. more clearly. If you’re having problems with the continuing exercises provided in each chapter, make a list of the reasons why – fear of failure, lack of confidence, fear of rejection, indecisiveness,etc. Each of these will give you insight into how the ego is using you. How the ego is causing you to feel inadequate, anxious, worthless. How the ego is blocking your creativity and use of the will. If this is the case review the previous exercise and see how the ego is keeping you in a believing place.
If you have accomplished the exercises to this point, review your first list. Look carefully at the beliefs category and use this same process. Start taking control of your thoughts and actions by taking the most indecisive belief ( maybe I am, then again…) and using the technique given in the previous chapter. Begin to direct your experiences by using your ego, your individuality. And keep in mind the ego can also be attempting to out smart your intelligence by insisting you can gain nothing from attempting these exercises. Again, in this case, the ego is keeping you in a believing stage.
You can begin to use the ego rather than allow it to use you. You can gain a sense of objectivity toward your Self and your situations. You realize that your ego is only your individuality.
Each person is an individual. We each have different experiences, knowledge and understanding. When you begin to perceive these within your Self, you can begin using this to a productive end. You realize you do not have a foundation to build upon. At that time errors start becoming just as valuable, if not more so, than you correct decisions, because you learn so much more. Your foundation becomes the frame of a house. As you learn not to “bear it” but change those things you dislike or find not working, you begin to create the structure of that building. In this way, you’re using your individuality to accomplish what you desire. You become an exploring, exciting and fascinating person. You don’t have to tell anyone because they sense it. And you know it.
Your house is becoming a mansion.
What Did You Say?
“What did you say?”
How many times have you found your Self in this somewhat
embarrassing situation. Perhaps it was a boring but expensive conversation at lunch with the boss. He was explaining some very important but technical details of his business meeting with the board in Chicago when your attention wandered to the waiter serving you. He stopped talking, so he apparently had asked you a question. But you didn’t hear it!
“What did you say?”
Or maybe it was a long day at work. Your boss was upset with you for not giving him the attention he thought he deserved, you’re upset because you almost lost the account and your job, and here you are at home ready to relax and concentrate your attention on something else. But your partner had an equally hard day. The only difference is he/she wants to complain about it and you just want to temporarily forget it. Once again you hear a silence.
“What did you say?”
Obviously, there’s nothing like having to say this phrase to begin realizing there’s something missing in your communication lines. What is it? With this situation, the desire to communicate is missing. Your attention has wavered from the topic at hand therefore the communication has broken. Once your attention is back, you can resume the communication but often you find the party at the other end suddenly breaks the communication through anger, hurt, or perhaps even leaving the room. Where did you go wrong?
To understand the fifth key, communication, we need to explore its components. In any successful communication we have an aggressor and receptor. In other words, if both people are thinking or talking they both end up saying, “What did you say?” Since both were in the act of being aggressive there was no receptor or listener. This situation can be quite amusing at a party or dinner when a couple are engaged in such an attempt at communication. You, being the observer and receptor, can take in the entire situation and see where it’s leading simply because you can be objective. At the same time you are listening.
Consider the following situation and suggestions from a life reading:
We see that once again both tend to be very aggressive within the relationship. We see that also as a whole in working toward a common goal both tend to be an aggressive force. Would suggest to both to contemplate the necessity for receptivity within a workable situation. Would suggest that this is often done in the relationship to both as well as individuals. We see that this creates much of the tension within the two which often is experienced. We see this particularly true for the male. We see the one of the female to also tend toward this manner of thinking; however, we see there is also an equal amount of this within the actions. We see for the one of the female, however, there is a great deal of insecurity. We see this rises from a tendency to desire very much to come back to a more permanent goal as this one would see it, in her own mind. We see some misgivings in this one of having sacrificed or given into the one of the male. We see this creating much of the disharmony within this one at this time and in the relationship. Would suggest this one appreciate and use the aggressiveness in gaining what is desired rather than abuse this in manners of gaining attention towards the self or to make self’s point clear. Would suggest that in this way both would not only begin to understand more within their own realm but also understand more within the relationship and be able to guide this in the direction both desire. Would suggest to this one that the major problem at this time is the aggressiveness and this should be considered and understood. (6117812)
In this way, you can begin to see the benefits of listening. If you give your full attention to the person speaking to you, you not only simplify your life ( you don’t lose jobs), but you can understand what the person is attempting to relate to you. If your attention is half on what is being said and half somewhere else you find you’ve missed half of what was said. Any conversation can be interesting to you, but sometimes your attention wanders. A sentence, a phrase, or even a word may start related thoughts in your mind causing you to hear what was said but not understand it. This concept in itself is interesting. If the mind and the brain are the same, then how could we hear words and not automatically understand them? Obviously, there must be a logical explanation. The one we’ll consider is that the mind and the brain are separate. The brain stores the information much like a computer would store information in its memory banks. What happens when thought comes to us which we’ve never considered before? Perhaps a dream or flash of a future event? We certainly haven’t experienced this consciously, at least not yet. When we do experience it we’re amazed. It’s coincidence. Or chance. Or a fluke. Or maybe a miracle. Actually, it’s a function of the subconscious mind. This ability is available to each of us. So there must be more to the mind than just the brain.
The brain works with the conscious mind, and as we’ve explored before our attention sometimes seems lost in our physical, conscious experiences. In this way the conscious mind has the final word on what information is taken in as well as that which goes out. So when your mind wanders you find your attention has wandered also. You are no longer in the communication, you’re at home checking the roast, or at your 3 o’clock appointment, or at dinner with your partner.
You are where your attention is. If you’re an author working on a new manuscript and your thoughts begin to wander to what you want for supper – where are you? Your thoughts are not directed toward the characters and plot of your story. Your attention has wandered. You’re creating the next meal, not the book. You’ve probably defeated your purpose and wasted time simultaneously.
Few of us enjoy talking to someone who allows our ideals to go “in one ear and out the other”. Concentration refines the hearing process to a listening process where words are understood with the mind, not just received by the brain and pushed aside. If you place your attention on the words spoken there is so much to learn. Afterall, would you be talking to that person if they did not have something important to say? And don’t you expect the same from the people you talk to?
As a concentration exercise, take the goal you are developing and spend ten minutes a day giving your undivided attention to it. This means if your goal is confidence, for ten minutes each day you should find a quiet, relaxing place, free of distractions, where you can center all your thoughts on the qualities of confidence. Visualize your Self in situations where you can use and display confidence. Contemplate what this is like. What it feels like. Experience it. Do not allow any other thoughts to enter in except those related to confidence. Practice this faithfully – each day expanding your knowledge and understanding of what you want to build or create for your Self.
Communication is achieved when there is a rapport, an understanding between two minds. If each individual begins using concentration and the listening process in relationships, the benefits carry over to the Self; just as your efforts and your Self in practicing these exercising will carry over to your relationships. As individuals we are all equally important with value and worth. This is the understanding and use of respect. Each of us has much to say to aid our partner, friends, and acquaintances. We have many different, as well as similar, experiences. If we exercise concentration on focusing our attention on our own thoughts, we can communicate these to those who want to listen.
This brings us to the idea of listening to your Self. As we’ve said before, love is a process that begins in your Self. Communication is the same. You need to be able to be both receptive and aggressive within your Self in order to create a communication cycle. If you practice this, you will find your communication outside your Self will improve radically.
How do you know if you’re communicating in your Self? Do you listen to your dreams? Or do you ignore them? Dreams are a function of the subconscious mind, and in view of what we’ve learned about the subconscious mind thus far it must have a great deal of beneficial information for the conscious mind. So check out your dreams. Build and strengthen the communication lines with Self. In this way, you can begin to understand the importance of speaking and listening in your communication with those you love.
Use these ideas. Practice, and watch your sexual communication improve. But, we’ll get into that later.
Room to Breath
Some run from it. Some continually create it. Some never experience it. Some would rather they hadn’t experienced it.
Our sixth key can easily be misinterpreted also. Involvement in a love relationship does not imply the “I’ll do anything you want me to do” of the masochist. Or the “If you loved me you’d do this” of the sadist. Involvement does mean purpose.
It is so easy to become emotionally imbalanced where love is concerned. As we’ve discussed before, if you perceive love to be merely an emotion, it is difficult to see it as a total process. When you live in the emotions of being “in love”, involvement ( meaning attachment in this instance) is the obvious next step. The more “in love” you fall, the more “involved” you become. Finally, one day you wake up and wonder, “what if he/she leaves? I couldn’t live without him/her.” But eventually, due to death if nothing else, you find you do survive. But what strong, unruly emotions you experience in the process.
If you can begin seeing involvement at its source, you can be more effective in channeling your attention as well as the focus of your relationship. You can stop many of the arguments which arise. You can stop much of the distortion and confusion. You can stop lying or telling “half truths” when the truth usually comes out anyway. You can be your Self and allow your partner the same room to breathe.
When these become understandings, involvement no longer implies insecurity. You respect your Self as an individual enough to respect your partner in the same manner. You can move, breathe and exist with or without them. You can experience exciting and important events without your partner being there. You can enjoy these activities because they offer you opportunities. You can express your Self equally as well as when your partner is present or absent. Your attention begins to be focused upon what you desire from your Self, as a total individual. You begin defining a purpose for your existence. Consider the following excerpt:
We see both to be in similar form to the present . We see this to be within the South Sea Island. We see during this time period there was very little responsibility which was experienced by both. We see that there was a tendency to take for granted what was offered or what was available to their use. We see that most of this was due to the age during this association. We see both to be quite young during this time period. We see that there was a tendency to depend upon those in the environment to give these ones what was desired by the selves. We see this in the way of food, shelter or clothing. We see that these ones, during these times experienced much for themselves… we see that within the present period of time once again there is a tendency to not want to accept the responsibilities of what is being presented to the Selves. We see that in the present there are many more responsibilities which both would recognize; however,we see that both tend to see these as weighing upon themselves rather than something that can be used as an opportunity to learn and grow. Would suggest to both to begin reviewing their own attitudes and begin recognizing that what is recognized by both in being of significance is in truth very significant to both. We see that both within the present have a tendency to recognize that there is a purpose for what is being experienced. Would suggest, however, that these ones do not explore this to such an extent to recognize what this purpose is. Would suggest that if these ones continue in this frame of thought, that these ones would be better able to come to understandings of the experiences and begin to integrate this into the Self. Would suggest that rather than see that there is a purpose and not define this, that these ones would be more benefitted by being able to see that these ones control this. Would suggest that in this way these ones would find their thoughts and actions more profitable than are at the present period. We see that these ones have a tendency to get to a certain point and then to allow the control or direction to be outside the Self. Would suggest to these ones that this is an internal process and can be fully designed by the self. (429784)
When you have a purpose, you can see the value and importance of this in channeling your thoughts and activity toward your accomplishments. You are more efficient in your endeavors and more effective. People don’t forget you anymore. You aren’t treated as a doormat. You begin seeing you are valuable, intelligent, reasoning being and you’re using these qualities to accomplish important and worthwhile projects.
We see that once again the initial stimulus or purpose for the relationship has been lost for both. We see that this is due once again to the emotional involvement or attachment which each has placed upon the other. We see that there is a desire for lucidity upon both part; however, we see that the activity has not been put forth in this direction. Would suggest, particularly to the one of the male, to review the goal which has been set within the mind and to cultivate this and bring this forth into the self to a greater extent. Would suggest that in doing so this one can see each instance as a learning opportunity and glean information from these. Would suggest to the one of the female to gain a more proper perspective in recognizing that there is a difference between a need and a desire. Would suggest to this one there is a tendency to externalize the desires within the self into external needs. Would suggest that when this is done this one forms a dependency upon the environment and the corresponding emotions are very difficult for this one to understand or channel. Would suggest to this one, this is not impossible. Would suggest to this one that this one recognizes this. Would suggest also that this one begin taking action upon the realizations which this one has had. Would suggest that this is merely this one’s choice. Would suggest for both that this type of perspective would be beneficial within each as individuals as well as within the thoughts within the relationship. (612783)
This is the perspective and refreshing outlook you bring to your relationship with your partner. Since you know the value of purpose in accomplishing what you desire, you begin seeing a purpose in your relationship. It begins moving forward. Progressing. Growing. You draw closer to your partner mentally, emotionally and physically, even though most of your time is spent elsewhere. You know you have something to give in this relationship. You know you can receive what your partner wants to give. You are creating balance in your Self and the relationship. Should the purpose of the relationship be fulfilled and the relationship end, you know you could and would exist. You could cope with this quite well. But you also know as long as there is a clear, objective and respectful purpose there will be involvement in this relationship for both of you.
Your next step in exercising your mind is to create the “how” of the quality you have chosen to develop. This entails listing all the reasons this goal is important to you. With our example of confidence, you might start with “it will enable me to trust my judgement”, etc. This should be an easy step having accomplished the concentration exercise. Now another list-the how’s. This should include all the details of preparation, With our example of speaking before the club, now is the time to define how this will be done. This list would include researching the subject of creativity, what angle you want to use to approach this, what quotes or audio/visual aids you will use, the age of the audience, every consideration of the the goal ( who, what, when, where, why) should be kept in mind and thought through to a conclusion. See all alternatives, allowing your Self the luxury of choosing the best avenues for your Self. Prepare – this is the meaning of purpose.
This is the true meaning behind what we sometimes refer to as “involvement”. You and your partner are continually at the helm of the relationship, guiding it to your joint destination. You are free whether apart or together, You can express more fully your ideas, opinions, and feelings.
You add to each other rather than take from each other.
The “Something” That’s Missing
Are you friends with your partner?
Interesting question. We would all like to say yes without hesitation but can we? When you have a significant problem who do you discuss it with; a friend, a boss, a relative, the mailman – anyone but your partner? Doesn’t sound very promising does it?
To be friends with someone implies you appreciate, respect and like them for who they are. Doesn’t your partner in a love relationship deserve this? If you are looking at your partner now and weighing the pro’s and con’s something’s missing. It is very rare that a relationship begins without some foundation of friendship.
If it’s lacking in the present, you’ve missed something. When you shift your attention from the mental and emotional process of developing a friendship, a closeness and a trust with another individual to an “emotional perspective” love, you often forfeit the friendship in the process. The moment you begin placing more attention and value upon being “in love” with this person, the more you are removing your attention from the friendship. In understanding love as a mental concern, you can begin to see that this type of love is akin to friendship in many ways. They are almost identical. Consider the following excerpt from a reading:
We see at the present period that both have chosen this particular situation in order to learn a certain quality in the self. We see in both this is very similar. We see this involves the ability to exercise their own freedom of thought and activity. We see that there are many cases where both will place certain requirements upon the other’s behavior or types of thinking. We see in some ways this is very subtle. We see particularly this is done upon the part of the male. We see that there are certain attitudes or concepts that both will hold and will desire very much for the other to entertain and affirm. We see however, that both are in the process of learning to trust the Self rather than continually expecting the environment to substantiate what has been reasoned or what appears logical to the Self. We see that both are in a process of refining this and gaining greater understanding of the Self. We see many cases where both are not fully aware of this; however, would suggest to both that in cases when there is an idea which is very important to the Self and in expressing this, when this is met with rejection by the other does not necessitate that the reasoning of logic is incorrect; however, would suggest to both that this is merely allowing the other to draw his own conclusions and exercise his own freedom to think and be creative. Would suggest that both consider this and utilize this more in the relationship at present. (6117813)
For most of us the difference between mental concern and “emotional love” appears in the emotions themselves. Much of this is linked to our attention not only being in the emotional level, but being placed on physical sex as well. We tend to link sex and love in the same sentence when we’re speaking of our partner. It’s conditioning from our childhood. But it’s also habit as we grow older. You can change the way you think. If you look at it logically, you see that you love many people. You express this love in many different ways. In your life you explore love from many angles. Also, in this review you might find love is never quite as “sticky” as when it involves a male/female relationship with sex. And that is unfortunate.
Just look at what you can learn from your other love relationships. The closeness which can be experienced between a loving male and female is often the most intimate experience you create. Yet, if your concern, respect and appreciation is lacking in that experience, look at how much you’re missing. Just think how much it could improve if you would apply the concepts or keys of love,tolerance,laughter,integrity, communication, and involvement to build a strong friendship with this person you’ve chosen to love in this manner. The results would be valuable to your Self, your partner, and your other relationships.
In the next exercise choose someone you know displays qualities of your goal. If your goal is confidence, as we’ve used throughout, choose someone who exhibits this quality. Now list the ways this is displayed, how this is used by that person. Next list the other qualities you see working with this; creative thoughts, relaxation, listening, etc. When the lists are completed review these to add more understanding to your “how” list- recognizing that you also have these qualities, otherwise you could not detect them in another. Yours may be dormant form lack of use but there is some familiarity with those qualities you’ve listed. The person you admire uses these qualities daily; you are just beginning to see their importance in your own life. Now incorporate one of these qualities each day in your situations. This can be on the job, at home, at meetings, at the grocery store, anywhere. Begin each day with the thought of seeing, observing and using this quality. During the day bring your attention back to this goal continually. Write your goal on a small note pad if this is beneficial. At the end of the day record what you have learned from your efforts and the observance of others. With this exercise you are daily practicing building these qualities into your Self. This is your practice period helping you to reach your goal and become comfortable with this goal in any situation.
So take a look at your partner now. Decide you want to be friends, even for tonight. It’s a good start, and you might just “like” it.
The Art of Changing
The word sometimes causes shivers up your spine. Why do you fight it so many times in your life? In so many forms? Why do you make it so hard to change?
You can logically see that everything within the physical is in a constant process of change. The seasons tell us this. Our life cycles tell us this. The information of an unborn child points to it. The movement of the earth each day illustrates it.
Yet, when change comes to you, you balk at it’s opportunities. You change your mind. You run. You hide. You prostitute your Self by insisting you’ll do anything to keep the situation as it is. All because you’re scared of the change.
A very important part of a relationship and one that is often overlooked is adaptability. This implies the ability to understand, move with or even initiate change. It also implies the willingness to be responsible for these changes. These may seem difficult qualities to build into your Self and completely understand but they can be very simple.
First, let’s look at this attitude. “It’s so hard to do”. This implies a defeatest attitude from the beginning. If you think it will be hard, if you expect these changes to be difficult, they will be. If you remember various experiences you can see that there have been few times that your desires or fears have not been met. This does require honesty. In any situation which was less than you wanted or expected, there was doubt or fear which impeded the manifestation.
Consider the following reading excerpt:
Wee see within the past period given, the one of the male to have been the husband in that lifetime. We see that within the present as in the past there is not a goal for the relationship as such. We see an inability due to a lack of desire upon both parts to understand the other. We see there were attempts on the part of the male to understand the one of the female; however, we see the one of the female is not receptive to this nor was there a desire within this one to cultivate a relationship. We see in the present time period a similar situation exists. We see lack of communication between the two, a lack of goals as individuals as well as for the relationship. Would suggest to both in reviewing this to begin placing attention upon what has been gained from the encounter rather than the lack of satisfaction which both have experienced. This would aid in the changing situations and attitudes encountered by both. (612782)
In order to see the necessity for change you need to use the concepts of tolerance and laughter. When you accept your Self, you can begin gaining a better perspective on your life. With this perspective comes a new sense of awareness. Your communication within Self improves. You can begin to see the need for change and begin causing change to happen. When you reach this point you are no longer a victim of change, but the initiator of change. Change becomes simple.
This does not mean all changes will not have repercussions or a period of emotional imbalance. When you change from choice the change is easy and pleasant. When you change from force, it is unpleasant. In your search to discover the total capability of your Self, you are in a continual process of change. Some people change faster and more frequently than others. These are the ones who seem to accomplish more. They “get”more. They appear free and uninhibited. Successful. These individuals are no different from you. They merely accept change. They thrive on it. To not change would mean boredom, death. These individuals tend to change from choice. Because they change from choice, they learn from the experience. When change is “forced” upon them they can apply these understandings and the change is less painful.
A good way to practice change is not to take anything for granted. Recognize all the changes you make in a day, no matter how inconsequential. The change of clothes. Trading cares with your partner or neighbor. Changing a luncheon engagement. Getting off early or late from work. Changing your route home. Changing the movie you go to see. Each day you make many changes. If you can begin recognizing consciously that these changes are taking place, and you are directing them, you can start accepting more clearly and readily your ability to change bigger situations. It is once again practice.
This exercise is reviewing your first list. Begin seeing how you have functioned habitually in the belief column. You may have convinced your Self that you knew these things but you realize in writing them down you just thought about these things and had never applied them in your life. You had created habitual patterns of thoughts that were self-defeating. Now review the experiences, mentally, emotionally and physically, since you decided to implement one of these beliefs as a goal to accomplish. Think back and review your feelings toward the changes you’ve been making. Were they are pleasant or unpleasant? Were they easy or difficult? Was it easy to make your lists?. Think of the entire process you have gone through and record these thoughts. Now go back and record your feelings toward each step. Finally go back over this and ask your Self why you acted or reacted in that manner in each of these situations. This will give you an idea of how you react to change and whether you are directing these changes or allowing others to.
Hand in hand with change comes responsibility. This word often causes us to visualize a noose around our neck, a burden. The actual meaning to the word is our ability to respond. This is an important part of the communicating process. It requires aggressiveness and receptivity. If you see a person fall to the ground holding his chest, you do not have to take any action. A responsible person would investigate, ease the person’s condition as much as possible and make sure someone called an ambulance. This person is responsible because he demonstrated the ability to respond to the situation. This is what makes him responsible. It has nothing to do with his “good deed”.
When you begin to realize and implement the previous keys in your thinking and actions, responsibility is a natural by-product of this activity. It is actually a simple process. If you have considered and begun to use what has already been discussed, you can probably see your responsibility quotient has increased. We’ve accomplished this without even knowing it. Now is the time to recognize this ability and begin consciously building upon it. As you do so, change becomes a pleasure rather than a chore.
It becomes exciting and adventurous because it means nothing is ever just routine anymore. Life is not a bore. Life and love are in continual motion or change. Perhaps in your thinking if you think of “activity” instead of “change” you can more clearly picture the advantages this quality can afford you.
Begin enjoying activity and motion. Do it with confidence, knowing it brings accomplishment. Realize if you change with your Self, your partner and the relationship, you continue to grow. Your partner grows. Everyone benefits, and no one ever loses what they’ve earned.
Watch the ability to respond to situations in and out of your relationship grow and expand. Adaptability – it’s one of the best ways to know where you’ve been, where you are, and where you are going. And we can all use a little more of it.
The Physical Expression of Love
We enjoy thinking about it, talking about it, but do we really enjoy doing it? Is it ever as satisfying as our fantasies about it? Our final key is sex.
In any complete relationship between male and female, discussion of sex is almost destined to occur sooner or later. How well do you know your Self as a mature, sexually active individual? You might consider that an important reason for love being seen only as an emotion is due to the misunderstandings you often experience in regard to sex. It has only become prominent lately that a male and female can enter into an exceptionally close and strong relationship without breeching or even desiring sexual communication. It can be done. And quite often if you review your own acquaintances in the past and present, you will see that some of your closest friends of the opposite sex were never your bed partners.
Why? It really doesn’t seem to make sense, does it? But if you continue to insist that love is an emotion, period, then you will never allow your Self the freedom to develop a strong mental rapport or friendship with your partner. If the friendship is lacking, so is fulfilling sex, usually. So your objective is to integrate the first eight keys to achieve that sexual satisfaction. It can be done. And it is not difficult.
If you can begin to see that sexual intercourse is merely the physical manifestation or expression of all these qualities, you can begin to put sex in a proper perspective. If you can begin to see sexual activity as communication, having both aggressive and receptive qualities in both the male and female, you can begin to see that everything is sexual. Even your common household appliances are a manifestation of the same principles as in intercourse.
In your exercises, you’ve reached the time to accomplish your goal – the full activity. This is something you’ve been building and doing all along but now is the time to put the ideal and purpose into activity to achieve that goal. You’ve spent many weeks defining, reasoning, deciding, observing and applying your understandings to reach this point. Each was a step toward achieving this goal. Each built a security and knowing in your Self. Now is the time to do that club lecture. Now is the time to see this is a stepping stone to even greater accomplishments.
When we begin considering this perspective, it removes a great deal of the shrouds of confusion we experience when we even think of s-e-x. With this new perspective you can understand that sexual activity is a means of learning and understanding about your Self. It can stimulate your creativity by causing you to experience the process of using all parts of the mind. It can be a most satisfying, beautiful experience with many understandings. If you allow it to be. If you create it that way with your thoughts, emotions, and activity.
We’ll discuss some of the reasons it sometimes falls short of our desires later in this book.
THAT NEVER ENDS…
… That Never Ends…
OUR MOST COMMON ERRORS
When we think or speak of love it can be tangible, yet we tend to hold all it represents far away from our reach. This propensity of human nature-or habit- causes many of the depressions, irritations, and tantrums in love relationships. Since we think we cannot hold this love, it is forever in some distant future luring us, baiting us with promises, so we keep trying. This concept is as self-defeating as a prisoner who can see the “outside world” but can never escape his confinement to experience it.
Much like that convict, we often find ourselves prisoners of our own fantasies, expectations, compulsions and jealousies. These not only snap at the foundation which supports your relationships but they continually erode your own sense of respect and value.
We have explored the nine keys to a successful Self and relationship, now it is time to expose the most common pitfalls of putting these into practice. We will do this by exploring seven different situations very common in our attempts to find a satisfying relationship. These situations with our friends, John and Mary, will illustrate the most common misuses of your Self, your partner and your relationships. They may seem ridiculous in brevity and the resulting exaggeration, but don’t kid your Self if you start thinking, “I’m not that bad”. You may not be “that bad” now,but look at the direction you may be taking. Each of these situations illustrate the abuses of certain Universal Laws.
Now we’re getting too complex, you’re thinking. Not at all. We have discussed the attitudes, or the use of mind, which produce a healthy, loving individual and relationship. This individual use of mind entails working with Universal Laws. Universal Laws are simply the mode we use when thinking, speaking or acting. They are universal because no matter what physical differences occur – sex, language, race, religion, education, government – they always apply. They show no favoritism, just as gravity shows no favoritism. Everyone experiences it. We cannot “see” gravity, but we can understand the principles of its effects, through research, experience, and observation as well as a few well placed experiments, after all remember Newton’s apple.
The same principle is true with Universal Laws, Since you have the privilege and right to create whatever you desire through your attitudes and thoughts, it would follow that as you better understand the workings of your mind, you can more effectively channel those thoughts to the goal you desire. If you can understand Universal Law, you can more efficiently accomplish this.
Using intelligence, information, knowledge, and desire you can begin to use your mind more productively, and build a greater understanding of your conscious and subconscious minds. In this way you discover new understandings daily concerning your Self and those you love. At this point you cease the “never ending” cycle and begin to appreciate each experience, knowing there is something to be gained.
Life becomes a mystery. You continually find clues to solve the puzzle. Sometimes you follow a red herring, but even those offer you beneficial information, You become super sleuths in unraveling the intrigue in your lives. And, of course, as any detective worth his weight in “leads”, you find your love life improves as well.
So let’s begin by delving into those times you seem to be buffeted by one of the worst emotional storms of your life, and begin to see how you can direct your Self ashore.
“Why aren’t you the person I want you to be?”
Mary moved to Chicago three years ago fresh from college and ready to start work as an assistant in a law firm. She had the background and intelligence to be a lawyer, but the thought scared her. Her new boss first introduced Mary to John at one of those annual parties where all the judges, lawyers, and even file clerks mingle.
Mary was immediately impressed by John’s intelligence, wit and charm. He had the ability and graciousness to realize her discomfort in the situation and came to her rescue. Their conversation was sparkling and through John’s attentiveness and contacts Mary became more comfortable. She realized her fears of these people were for nothing, yet if John hadn’t been there… Mary felt appreciative and amazed at John’s ability to meet any situation. As their relationship progressed she began to see why many of his friends referred to him as the best lawyer the city had ever seen. Mary continually saw John in clever conversations she could never imitate and began to admire his ability to make his point known. She was also captivated by his charisma which touched not only females but males as well, and hardly left anyone disagreeing with him.
Mary knew she was honored by his attention, knowing he would be an even greater success in the future. Soon after their relationship began, Mary moved in with John. For three years the idealistic view did not wane for Mary. Increasingly, John could do no wrong. He was the best lawyer, conversationalist, and lover. John was continually having to turn down clients and invitations to events. Everyone wanted John. They were even begging him to run for office. However, one evening in the midst of a quiet dinner at home, John began talking about one of her boss’s clients. He explained he needed certain information Mary knew they had on file. He made it sound imperative to his practice. If he didn’t win the case he would lose his bid for representative. He would fall. He had to have the information and Mary was the only one who could help him.
Mary had never seen John so desperate. Nor had she suspected he entertained the idea of failure, or would expect her to steal information for him to avoid it. She started remembering all the whispered phone calls and strange mail John had been getting. Was this the man she loved? Was his opinion of her so low that he would expect her to compromise her own values, her job, her future?
John was born in Chicago. His parents were wealthy, his father being the founder of one of the city’s largest law firms. As he grew older, it was always expected that John Jr. would carry on for dad and John saw many opportunities in a field he enjoyed.
John met Mary through an associate at a party. He had always enjoyed these affairs when they offered him business contacts, but often they became merely boring. That’s when he spotted Mary. She was elegant if not quite beautiful. She carried herself with a quiet poise unusual in this atmosphere. He was intrigued by her seeming ability to totally remove herself from the the boisterous dealings and criticisms around her. It was a rare quality in the circles he traveled.
As their relationship progressed, John began to appreciate Mary subtleness even more. She made no attempts to draw attention to herself, but was always willing to support him with her presence and thoughts if necessary. He was amazed at her perception, intelligence and understanding of his goals. He knew she would do anything to help him achieve those and he needed that reassurance.
During their time of living together, Mary served more and more as the perfect escort. She was attractive and purposeful. She always considered his work, appointments, and invitations before her own. She never questioned his judgement or his ability to reorganize someone’s way of thinking to his own advantage. She never read some of his most incriminating mail. Mary trusted him. She was fearless and would help him in any way he desired.
However, when he had been persuaded by colleagues to run for state office, he realized a certain case could mean the difference between winning and losing. He knew Mary had knowledge of the client’s case and access to the files. He knew she wouldn’t fail to help him when he needed her most. She loved him and he knew his winning the representative seat was as important to her as it was to him.
When she refused to get the information John was shocked. They had built a relationship of confidence and trust. He was just asking her for help in his job. Hadn’t she always done that before? How could the woman he loved turn against him when he needed her?
Our friends John and Mary, both have a similar problem. They trusted their partner to perform in a certain fashion and curiously they aren’t responding to that.
If we look at the situations objectively we can see a commonality – a similar cause for the present emotions being experienced. Both felt their partner was considerate, intelligent, innovative and charismatic. They each felt fortunate to have such an individual giving them attention and time. As their relationships grew so did the euphoria John and Mary were experiencing.
This euphoria continued until their partner reacted totally out of context. At this point, the previous view points John and Mary held were shattered. Their concepts of their partners no longer suit reality. They experience confusion, disorientation, doubt and resentment. Unfortunately this is viewed as the responsibility or “fault” of the partner, but is it really?
In this situation, both and John and Mary are experiencing the inevitable outcome of fantasy. In their own way, both have created in their minds a fantasy of the “perfect partner”. They projected this concept onto an individual which initially fit their mental image. Rather than working with that individual and the relationship which insued, both continued to cling to their fantasy – developing and nurturing it – until the reality of the actual thinking, feeling and actions of the partner nullified this creation, John and Mary are now disappointed.
Often this type of disappointment is vented upon the partner. However, the other half of this “fantasy” is often as just as confused and disappointed as its perpetrator. If they have little conscious recognition of what is transpiring in the mind of their partner, this individual often feels like an innocent bystander. After all, they have just been being their Self and all of a sudden their partner is upset. If doesn’t seem to make sense.
However, if we explore the ability to fantasize we may find many clues to this mystery. We have explored our ability to create through our thoughts and attitudes in Part I. We have learned we can create anything we desire. We have explored the tools of visualization, concentration and decision making in setting our mind into activity. Fantasy is similar to visualization but there is an important difference. Visualization is directed by intelligence and reasoning, fantasy is not. Fantasy is akin to daydreaming – those convenient escape mechanisms we use ( or misuse) to avoid unpleasant or boring situations. Both fantasy and daydreaming lack the intelligent direction of working with the physical situations.
When you insist upon fantasizing in your relationships, you are denying or avoiding the reality of your Self and your partner. You create a smoke- screen between your Self and the world. You see everything through your own self – made “rose colored glasses”. You blind your Self from the reality of every situation. You feel out of touch with the world around you – and your Self. When you “fall in love” with a concept in your thoughts and emotions, you become emotionally attached to that idea. You begin thinking and feeling you can never be happy unless you find the individual who matches that idea. The irony of this situation, is that many may resemble what you fantasize but it is rare that one individual will have and display all the qualities involved in your fantasy.
The reason for this is that each of us are total individuals. We each have the total potential of the conscious, subconscious and superconscious minds to use at any time and in any situation. When we do not recognize the value of this opportunity, and when we lack respect for our ability to utilize this, we begin fantasizing. We lose sight of the fact that we can create anything we desire, We can take into our minds the total picture and harmonize, or work with, the situations rather than insist they are too much to handle.
In applying the exercises you have been given, you have begun to understand how you can use the law of Creation to its fullest extent. You can harmonize with this mental law becoming a conscious creator of your Self, your environment, your relationships. You are no longer scared to work with the situation. You no longer feel the need to run,avoid, or deny. You can face life with a determination to make it the best, the most satisfying, the greatest fulfillment for your Self. You know you are a thinker. When you are content in this, everyone around you reflects this also. Others learn through your example.
It would aid you in building this process if you would consider your Self as a playwright. Through practicing visualization you begin to recognize how you are writing your lines, rehearsing your parts in great detail. Often they manifest exactly as you’ve planned. If you can incorporate this same sense of control and direction into every activity, you can begin fully recognizing the power you hold in your ability to create. You can begin writing,directing, casting, costuming, designing sets, and starring in an autobiographical “movie” of your life. You direct all aspects of this life. You create the drama, comedy and tragedy. And since you write your parts, you can change them at your discretion, at any time. You experience total choice and freedom. You work with each situation that arises and continually write and revise your lines. You begin to create the greatest success story. One filled with love. One worthly of recognition. You bring others with you in this creation of success and fame, because you respect and accept each individual involved in your story, You recognize they too have the same opportunities and capabilities. You begin to create together.
You are no longer Scarlet O’hara pining for the fantasy of Ashley Wilkes when all the qualities you want to build in your Self are available for experience in your relationship with Rhett. You begin giving a damn about your Self, your relationship, your creation.
“ I want to be me, whatever that is”
Mary was married at 17 when she graduated from high school. She had considered college, but with family and personal finances as they were this became more and more impossibility through those last school years. She met John her junior year and love flew in the window.
John was everything she had always heard her mother say a husband should be. He was thoughtful, if gruff on occasion, he was the star quarterback of the winning team, and made strong average grades while holding down a parttime,after school job. John would be a good husband and provider. And, of course Mary was everything a young woman should be – smart, but not too smart to know she shouldn’t flaunt it, energetic and home oriented, and quiet. When John paid attention to Mary’s wallflower personality she jumped at the chance to “catch him”. Even when she earned a Scholarship to a small southern college, she opted for the security of marriage with John.
Twenty-two years later, the four kids have left home. Mary is having a hard time adjusting to her eldest daughter’s feminism and college achievements. Her other daughter and a son are married, and to make matters worse, her daughter in law is pregnant which means Mary will soon be a grandmother. Her youngest is overseas in the Navy.
Mary’s husband has a demanding and enjoyable occupation as assistant coach of one of the leading university football teams in the country. This takes him away from her even more evenings and weekends than when the children were at home.
Mary is alone.
“But isn’t this the American dream? Didn’t I do everything right? Isn’t this the way it’s supposed to be?” she wonders. John has always loved her for taking care of the children, the house, the meals – but now the children are gone, the house needs little cleaning and there are rarely meals to be prepared.
Mary feels useless.
She finds her attention wandering to the past, the good and bad times with John and the children but more and more she remembers those high school days when she could have chosen a different life. Now she has no family and a little of her husband. She has spent a good portion of her life in endeavors that have now ended. She wants to get out into life, but she has no experience, no skill, no future in the American dream.
Mary is trapped.
John was married at 18 when he graduated from high school. He had considered college and worked a good part of his school days to save enough money. His hopes of success rested on getting a football scholarship to the university. He was worried- then he met Mary.
She was everything his father had told him a potential wife should be. She was intelligent, yet wouldn’t continually beat him over the head with the fact, she was willing to work, and she’d keep a good home and be a good mother should they ever have children. Children – the thought seemed so alien. Besides she was willing to do anything for him. She would work while he went to college to build “their” future.
Now twenty-two years later, John is confused. Mary has always been the perfect wife and mother. She worked those first years so they could scrimp and save the necessary money to keep his education going. She even worked while carrying the children and managed to take care of them. No man would have wanted more.
But now Mary’s listless and unhappy. He’s always tried to make her happy – to make up for those hard years by buying her whatever she wanted. He’s tried to be a good husband and father. Sure there were times he couldn’t be there every minute. There were training sessions, conventions, weekend games, but he always came home. The kids are having their own problems, but Mary has been able to handle that – always. Besides, the kids always go to her anyway. “Why not me? Didn’t I give them a roof over their heads, food to eat, and a college education if they wanted it?” he wondered.
John is scared.
Now Mary is seeming more and more preoccupied. They’ve nothing to talk about. John thinks she should enjoy not having the kids around anymore. He would love the chance to relax and be alone. But Mary is starting to talk like she wants to go to work. She hasn’t worked since the five and dime when he was getting his degree! What can she do?
John is feeling threatened.
John and Mary are experiencing the opposite poles of a very common situation. John is facing the fears of Mary recognizing her ability to accomplish, be successful and independent, and to express aggressively. Mary is caught in the results of a lifetime of passive receptivity in regards to the direction she is now considering. Both are filled with doubts and fears of direction and outcome.
These reactions are quite common in contemporary society. With the shifting and changing of societal roles, many couples experience a time similar to this in their relationships. Much of this is stimulated from the new aggressiveness in the female, “woman’s liberation” of you will. This surge of independence by the “new woman” often creates a balancing unsurity in the “old man”. Ego battles insue within both the male and female but find their focus on the male ego – “If women are becoming more aggressive does that mean men must become passive?”
This question reflects the attitudes and misconceptions of many individuals, whether male or female. It discounts the fact that as an individual working with mind we each have the qualities of aggressiveness and receptivity. Neither sex has a corner on that market. Another misconception is that receptivity implies passiveness. Passivity implies lack of initiative, an apathy. Receptivity is expectant waiting. These qualities have been explored in communication and will be further explained in the final portion of this book.
For now it is important to realize that your emphasis can be on growth. If you build this attitude into your Self by utilizing what you now know, you no longer feel threatened by the accomplishments of decisions of your partner. You begin to support their efforts rather than tear them down because you feel threatened. When you find your Self misusing the Law of Duality, you can become a more effective creator. You can begin to understand the process of creation. You learn to balance and direct your individuality – your ego. You learn to give and receive. And as a result your relationships improve as you discover new ways to bring your ideas, attitudes and desires into balance. You begin to truly understand the meaning of being a man or a woman. You relinquish the programming of parents, society and custom and become the innovative creator of new understandings and concepts. You no longer cling to the “old way” because it is safe, secure or comfortable. You initiate the changes to the new. You become a pioneer exploring new avenues not yet conceived in the minds of the general public.
“ I love you but I don’t know how to tell you”
John and Mary’s situations
John and Mary have been together for seven years. Their relationship is average among most standards. There have been enough good times to outweigh the bad. Yet over the years both have grown accustomed to, or managed to purposely ignore the other’s “little eccentricities”. Some can be permanently blocked, or ignored, such as Mary’s habit of clinking her spoon against the cup while stirring her cream, or John’s mouthbreathing which creates an incessant clinking noise. However, they know each other so well that these annoyances and weaknesses often come forward at the most inopportune moments. The following exchanges will give you an idea of the common situations and retorts exchanged.
*John and Mary are at an important business dinner. John is trying to impress his new client. Mary is bored and wants to go home.
John: “Isn’t it amazing, Bill, how many new areas are opening now with the new psychological test evaluations?”
Mary: “How would you know, John, you never read all those digests and reports you get in the mail.”
*Mary has coerced John into going shopping with her. John is not enthused. Mary meets a friend in a shop and is involved heavily in “woman talk” which is boring John, making matters worse.
Mary: “ I hear that new hairdresser at Andre’s is fantastic, Ann!”
John: “He’ll probably cost me a fortune; however, maybe he can do something with your roots.”
Two simple examples and perhaps in your own experiences you can think of instances which would make these pale in comparison. Both of these replies give us an example of one of the most commonly misused laws – the Law of Self Expression. In each instance, John or Mary desire to express a thought or attitude, but in each instance we find this to be destructive rather than constructive. Each reply is carefully worded and placed to reflect the partner’s weaker areas. They are offered not as constructive criticism but as destructive cynicism and actually say more about the spokesman than the brunt of the comment.
Each of us can review times when we’ve allowed our own cynicism to dominate our communications. This can be in actions as well as thoughts. When we express in this manner we are attempting to throw the attention and limelight onto someone else. This gives us the mistaken ease of having the attention of our partner and others present thrown off our own doubts and fears to a sensitive area of our partner. This is an excellent example of sadistic behavior.
Behind that tendency or habit of being cynical is a desire to express our Self. You may have a resentment of hostility toward an activity which you think is destructive to your Self and partner, yet rather than discuss this feeling you offer it at times when there can be no discussion. This not only defeats your own desire to grow but also destroys the communication process you are attempting to build with your partner. You stay in your resentment or hostility and your partner begins building similar feelings. Rather than deal with the actual problem, you are experiencing inside of your Self, you are externalizing the problem even more through your retort.
You are attempting to let your partner know a certain activity bothers you without exploring why you feel this way. You are expecting the other person to change without offering to change your Self. You may fear hurting the other’s feelings if you honestly express what you feel, so you try to slip it in where it will be less noticed. Yet, viewing the reactions from such comments you can see that this attempt to “slip something in” immediately draws attention and often prolongs hostility. You are breaking communication lines rather than building them.
What you need to practice and cultivate when you find your cynical areas are the keys of love,laughter,integrity and adaptability. To incorporate an attitude within your Self of thinking first, then acting,would also be beneficial. When you allow your own doubts and fears to rule your expression, you become bitter, introverted, restricted, and eventually feel trapped. You need to recognize this trap was not created by the external environment but through your own misuse of the Law of Self Expression.
You need to use your new understandings from the exercises in part one to build a sense of self respect and dignity. When you continually practice being a “put down artist” it is very difficult to build these qualities in your Self. As you “put-down” others, you are really internally doing the same to your Self. Self blame and self pity have their beginnings. When you irradicate these elements from your Self through understanding their cause your expression reflects these changes in thoughts and emotions. You become a dynamic individual who does not require the false security of tearing someone else’s ego to build your own. You begin using your ego in a proper perspective to create the changes you desire for growth in your Self and your relationships.
“ I can’t live without you!”
Mary met John at perhaps the worst period of her life. She had moved to San Francisco because her lover was transferred. Two weeks after the move he left her for his former girlfriend. Now she was almost overdrawn, had no job,no friends, and no relatives in the vicinity. She started drinking. Finally, the bills were mounting with the apartment until the manager advised Mary to pay or evacuate. She snapped back to her senses, decided to try to stop drinking and applied for a job at a nearby bank.
That’s where she met John. John was so impressed with Mary’s sincerity during the interview that he hired her on the spot. He knew she had potential and could make an executive if she’d work toward it. Mary left feeling elated. It had been a long time since someone cared enough to see her as she secretly was.
In time with John’s continual encouragement and support, Mary worked herself into a supervisory position and a relationship with John. Whenever anything would go wrong, John was always there to turn to.
As her responsibilities increased, John found Mary’s need for assistance greater. At first this didn’t seem of major concern since the positions were new to her. Then Mary’s incessant need began spilling into their personal relationship. When John was late or missed a luncheon date, Mary would ignore him on the job making more and more errors which she refused to discuss with him. The bank president was starting to pressure John to fire her. Their personal relationship wasn’t much better. Mary started drinking again when John was late or gone on business trips. It came to the point that he always knew to expect a tirade of emotions when he returned.
Finally it reached the point that John knew he would replace Mary. The errors were growing more numerous, taking more time to find and correct, and starting to significantly interfere with bank business. Besides, he was tired of loving and trying to help her. Each time they would seem to make progress, Mary would drink again and the cycle would repeat itself.
On a flight back from Los Angeles, John decided he had to end the relationship on a personal basis first.
When he got home, Mary was in an emotional stupor. When he told her of his decision she lost control, “How can you do this to me? You got me fired, isn’t that enough?” She was furious, breaking crystal and glass. John tried to calm her, but it was useless. He started packing as she still threw recriminations at him. After he left, Mary’s emotions ebbed uncontrollably. “ Don’t you love me anymore? What will I do without you – I can’t live without you John!”
Of all the traps we can experience in relationships this illustrates one of the most prevalent and emotional. We can call this a compulsive situation. It often occurs with females more than males and there is a reason for this.
In this situation, Mary has invested her entire ability to think and reason into the man with whom she chose to become involved. This is often a result of programming as children. In our own way both males and females are taught by parents, teachers, ministers and a variety of individuals who comprise society that we need a partner. We cannot make it alone. It’s not normal. We shouldn’t even consider the prospect, because it will fail. This conditioning into the conscious mind leaves a strong ingrained sense of “where is the other half of me?” When we find “our better half” we continue to experience the same doubts and fears but our programming has told us this is how it will eventually work itself out. However, it rarely does.
Our programming or conditioning can be considered habit. When we operate from habit, we are placing no conscious attention on the activity. As we have discussed, we do not use our intelligence to reason so our mind atrophies. We are only as effective as the person or thing we center our compulsion around. In this instance, the center of Mary’s compulsion is John. When John leaves the picture,Mary cannot conceive how she will exist. She fears the change. She doubts her own ability to reason and intelligently cope with her situation. She has depended upon John for such a long time her mind literally hurts with the exercise of seeing the necessity to organize these new thoughts.
When you find your Self in a similar situation you need to begin making choices. You need to exercise your conscious faculty of reasoning. You need to practice the use of Believing and Knowing. This is the mental law which is being misused in this instance. When experiencing this type of situation you have a tendency to see no foundation upon which to build even a belief that you can accomplish something. The first step; therefore, is honesty. You need to recognize your information, your talents, your capabilities. This gives you a foundation to work from, the you can set a goal you want to accomplish.
Another part of working with this type of situation would be centering on the keys of tolerance and adaptability. There is obviously a need to instill acceptance and patience into the Self. Reviewing your thoughts and practicing the concept of adaptability to initiate and carry through with this significant change would be beneficial. For Mary, this is a low point of her life, yet it could represent the greatest opportunity to explore and expand her own sense of Self. Often it takes pulling the rug out from under your Self to see that you can still stand. If you continually refuse to do this in your situations and relationships you are creating a similar situation. The mind responds to intelligent direction – regardless if there is a conscious utilization of that intelligence of not. It is your choice to use and apply your understandings to your situations and relationships – when you do, you do not repeat errors, but move in a progressive, beneficial line toward your goal. You begin living for your Self. When this occurs you become independent. You have something to share on an equal basis with your partner. You begin giving because you want to rather than feeling you must. You begin respecting your Self and the one you’ve chosen to become involved with. You begin becoming totally honest with your Self, realizing your inner Self is your best friend.
“I can but you can’t, or is it, I can’t but you can?”
Since their relationship began four years ago, John and Mary have attempted to be honest with each other. John has no intentions of marrying – he’s been that route and business would not be conducive to such an arrangement. Besides a piece of paper doesn’t make a marriage. Mary is content with this since her career is equally important to her and she has no desire for children. Their relationship is increasingly free with both feeling comfortable to express on almost any subject.
Mary knows John has occasional affairs with other women and deals with this fact in a variety of emotions, rationalizations and cloudy understanding. For the most part she’s been able to maintain a sense of security and balance as well as trust in John that he does love her because the other relationships have nothing to do with theirs. However, recently Mary has had a tendency to doubt John’s words. There are times he will stay away too long or seem disinterested or distracted when he’s with her. There’s something missing.
Bill, one of Mary’s business associates, has asked her to lunch more than once and in this frame of mind, Mary finally accepts. The attentiveness she experiences seems to fill some of the gaps and eventually, inspite of doubts, she enters into a relationship with Bill. This takes some of the time she had previously reserved for John. Eventually John notices something is different and explains to Mary that his male ego will not stand for such behavior. She has a choice – either take him or leave him, but he will not “share” her.
Mary is confused and, as she realizes what John means, indignant. “How can you think its fine for you, and yet not for me?” she demands. The reply is the same – John will not “share” her, that’s just the way it is. Mary is furious.
John thinks his relationships don’t take from his relationship with Mary. Afterall, men need other relationships. His creativity depends on it, and feeds it. He’s always thought the woman he really loved would understand that. Maybe she doesn’t really love me, John is beginning to think.
Mary cannot see how John can think his extracurricular affairs are fine, but hers are out of bounds. Confused, Mary must weigh John’s double standard and make her decision. Which is more important to her – her freedom to choose or her relationship with John? Does she want to play by his rules, or continue doing what she feels is right? Would he leave her if she refuses to play?
John figures he could develop the same type of relationship with another woman if Mary won’t play by his rules.
Afterall, he’s done it before.
He wouldn’t like sacrificing the relationship, but he has no intention of changing his mind.
If Mary leaves under these circumstances he can understand that, but if she left him for another man that would be entirely different.
Here we have a situation which could most easily be labeled “double standards”. In our current society it is actually not surprising that we would encounter this attitude in relationships since we tend to be flooded with these from childhood. During childhood, parents insisted we should not smoke, yet we watched our parents do it daily. Teachers insisted we should not steal other’s ideas or cheat, yet their tests were standardized offerings of textbook publishers. Politicians told us the people should have a voice in government, yet those who could gather the most people, scream the loudest and offer the most monetary push were the ones listened to. And, oddly enough, it seems the same now that we’re the parents, teachers and politicians.
From the time you are born you are surrounded by double standards. This can manifest in two ways. Either it’s fine for you to indulge in this line of thinking or activity and it’s not for someone else; or others can do it but you can’t. In relationships, this surfaces most often when sexual involvement is concerned but it can also manifest in more subtle forms. No matter what the situation is which creates the opportunity for the double standard to arise, it will always imply that someone in some way is going to change. The demands which the practice of the double standard place upon the giver and receiver are in many ways an illustration of the sadistic/masochistic duality we’ve discussed.
When you allow double standards to control you, you continually sit back and allow life to roll by in a panorama of success. Others can make it, but you can’t. Or, you insist upon making decisions for everyone by saying that you are the only one that can make it and others had better not try. In both instances you are misusing the Law of Divine Birthright. This law is basically the equality in each individual, it implies respecting each individual’s ability to use mind. Double standards negate this equality and sense of respect.
The interesting thing with double standards is they arise from the desire to be responsible. As you continue and create this thought, it can be rejected by fear or doubt causing it to appear in the physical activity as a lack of responsibility. This is often the viewpoint of the person “giving in” to the double standards. However, it can also be the case with the person imposing the double standard, although this might be harder to detect. Consider that the person imposing the double standard, much like our friend John, does not want to be responsible for the thoughts and emotions which might arise within himself should Mary refuse to play his game. In this way you can see that no matter which side of the double standard fence you’re on, you’re still bucking responsibility.
To utilize this situation to a more constructive end, you need to implement the keys of integrity, laughter, and involvement. Objectivity and proper perspective are as important in eradicating the double standard as honesty and respect are. When you begin to practice these you erase the previous fear of taking responsibility in your thoughts, emotions and actions. You begin to realize that responsibility is indeed your ability to respond openly and honestly. When situations arise as with John and Mary, you do not insist there are only two choices, but you begin to see all avenues and courses of action. You begin valuing your ability to reason and create your situations. And you build confidence in your ability to handle these. You respect your Self and your partner, never allowing fear to control the direction of your relationship. You learn from each situation and build strength in your Self and your partner. You realize that any experience is going to add to your Self and, if you choose, the relationship you have chosen as well. You erase the threats and realize they are opportunities for greater understanding and strength. You become a student continually taking knowledge and understanding into your mind, and a teacher continually giving this your Self and those you choose to love.
“You’re mine… aren’t you?”
Mary had everything going for her – intelligence, experience and beauty. She always impressed her associates whether in business, friendships or love. She had what her producer called charisma and that alone had boistered the television station’s newscast rating to the number one spot. Mary was so poised and in control that no one suspected she was always seeking the man who could meet her on an equal level. From her experience, she was beginning to wonder if there was a man who wouldn’t idealize her and put her in a glass case.
John knew from the moment he saw her on the news that he not only wanted Mary, but would have her. He pulled a few strings and got an assistant producer job on the show. John would watch Mary closely, being very careful to avoid personal contact with her during the first few months. Since Mary wanted what she wanted when she wanted it, it soon became apparent that it’s hard to fight someone who never shows his face. John was gaining more control over Mary’s televised time and reducing it in large portions.
Finally Mary found the source of her problems. She burst into John’s office demanding an explanation and holding the new lower ratings in her hand as supportive evidence.
John was smooth – listening to her tirade and when she was finished he offered more air time with more pay. He did so in such a cool and undisturbed manner Mary had to laugh. The relationship was sealed. As their relationship continued similar situations with variations would occur. Mary knew John was intensely jealous and would feed this incessantly. She’d purposefully brush next to the producer, anchorman or cameraman as she talked to them. She would accept invitations to lunch if he was in ear range. She’d wear seductive clothes to dinner parties. Although John never displayed emotions in public, she knew the repercussions would fly when they got home. And she knew she would get what she wanted in the end.
Finally, John decided to play his hand. He arranged several evenings with a new and younger lady on the staff. Mary heard it form the weatherman and was furious. When John came home at 3 a.m., Mary hit him with another barrage. She threatened to leave insisting he was making a fool of her,that he had lied, that he had no right to do such a thing. John was silent and when she had finished, he asked if she wanted to leave him. She was shocked because he couldn’t mean it, or could he?
Fear rose inside her. “John, you can’t be serious”, she said. “Yes, dear, I am serious”, was the dry reply. Mary decided to become alluring, irresistible. But it wasn’t working this time. Furious and rejected, Mary replied, “Then get out.” At this point John played his trump. “No, I’m staying. And so are you. This is my house and you’re my woman.”
Possessiveness. One of the demons that lurk in the “ heart” of those who are “ in love”.
You may be thinking there are similarities between the double standard and possessiveness and if you’ve dawn this conclusion you’re right. Both misuses are similar in origin, but there is a difference. Possessiveness is caused by a desire to control. It is a misuse of the Law of Proper Perspective. When you begin to reason and recognize responsibility, you cultivate in your Self a desire to control your situations and circumstances. Sometimes this manifests as desiring to think and choose for others. This is when we become possessive.
Possessiveness is not always linked to our love relationships. It can be seen with parents who want their children to have it “better” than they did so much that they stifle the child’s ability to formulate and recognize his own ability to reason and choose. The child matures much slower. In retrospect you can probably see there were many aspects of this attitude in your own childhood. There were times you wanted to explore but your parents would not allow it. You wanted to be older so you could dictate what people could do and not do. You wanted control. You wanted it because it meant you were an adult.
Adulthood is a stage of growth for the individual. It is reflected in the physical body as it develops, but this physical growth does not mean there is corresponding growth in the individual’s ability to utilize mind in an adult manner. To be an adult mentally implies you take responsibility for your thoughts, emotions and actions, and do not depend upon others to do this for you. This gives you full control or direction of your Self. If you are inclined to be responsible for others as well, you are still the adolescent. Each individual, being intelligent and having the faculty of reason, has the opportunity to be responsible for his own Self. He or She does not need a guardian angel or substitute parent to do this. In taking on other’s problems, or making their decisions, or eliminating their growing experiences, you are taking upon your Self the responsibility of their creation. The balance here is to cultivate the capability of knowing and using your own mind to the fullest extent. This means adaptability to your own creations and direction of your attitudes concerning that creation. When you control your own mind you do not need to control other’s.
Possessiveness and its sister jealousy arise when you do not realize your ability to control your own mind. This is caused by emotional involvement in the situation, whether as an employer, employee, parent,husband, wife, etc. When you become so attached or possessive with a job, a lover, a child, you lose your sense of perspective. Objectivity is gone.
We can never dictate the thoughts and actions of another. We can influence, but the moment we think we have full control over that individual they change their mind. They assert their ability to choose, and we feel we’ve lost. Actually we’ve gained. To deal with your own situations and their corresponding thoughts, emotions and activities is enough for one person to handle. More than that is too much. So appreciate the new found freedom in making decisions which only directly effect you. These will influence others, but never dictate their course of action. At this point you know your partner is remaining in the relationship from choice rather than obligation or demand. And more importantly you know you are choosing to remain.
“If you go away…”
It had not started that way, but as the years progressed John and Mary seemed to do everything together. After they were married for three years, John started his own architectural firm because the one he had worked for did not allow nepotism. For ten years, inspite of half-hearted attempts on both parts to explore separate endeavors – like Rotary Clubs for John and Garden Clubs for Mary – both have insisted that when an activity is initiated it must be one both can participate in. Friends often wonder how they can work, play, sleep and live together incessantly without any apparent major upset. They also wonder why John and Mary have never had children,but suspect they never really felt the desire or need. Afterall, they obviously have one another.
John’s business associates often find Mary’s “interference” irritating and some have told him so. However, John defends Mary’s knowledge and ability to share in his decisions regardless of their importance. John tends to be so adamant on this point that he has lost more than one client.
Mary’s mother keeps asking Mary why she doesn’t use her talents in nursing and art as a volunteer. Her mother feels it’s unhealthy to work and stay at home continuously – especially when she has no children. She’s troubled because Mary has no friends – only John. Mary tries to explain she and John like their relationship – it’s comfortable, easy, agreeable and besides she doesn’t need other’s approval of her lifestyle.
More than one acquaintance of John and Mary has expressed concern in similar veins. But John and Mary, rather than separate their efforts, seem to draw much closer following these uninvited suggestions and advice.
However, it was when Mary’s best friend, before her marriage, was widowed that Mary began thinking in different terms. She was feeling scared. She couldn’t handle all the business without John, they have no children, and her mother’s right, she has no friends. Who would she turn to if John died? She talked the situation over with John and he merely said they need not be concerned about that now. But Mary is worried – could she face life without John? Could John face life without her?
Security. We have considered many situations where our love relationships are less than we expected and each in their own way is tied to a sense of false security. This example illustrates this pitfall very well.
Our desire for security in physical things ( home, car, money) or people
( spouse, parents, children) is an external manifestation of our desire of independence and value in our Self. We want to be magnetic personalities. We want to succeed. We want to be able to express totally. We want to be understood. We want to leave something of value behind us. We want to understand. We want to grow.
Throughout this portion of this book, we have explored some of the problems in finding this sense of security within our Self. As you encounter situations and circumstances which cause you to reach into your Self to find answers and solutions, you expand and foster this sense of security. You begin overcoming fear and accomplishing those things you truly desire. You may not be an expert when you first start, but practice gives you the confidence and background to become that expert. If you consider, as a child you didn’t just decide one day to run. You took hours and months learning to crawl and walk before you could run. Each time you fell you didn’t give up, and sometimes you even laughed. Learning to use your full potential is the same. You have a choice in how you will do this. It can be exciting or taxing.
We can consider a key to using the mental laws discussed here, as “Seek ye first the kingdom of heaven and all else will be given unto you.” The quote from Matthew in the Bible offers a comprehensive and encompassing view of our search for understanding of Self. If you put that divinity within your Self first, continually exploring, expanding and being that, you gain greater understanding of your goal, purpose, and activity. Your scenario begins to come together rather than being fragments. You begin directing and acting your part from this perspective. And through practice you become a master in creating this autobiography. A master worthy of recognition, respect and appreciation. You realize each of these keys, each situation, each person you meet, are the opportunities to use what you know and learn even more – building that security in your Self. Your “pitfalls” become the ladder of your success.
The Power & Perspective of Sex
Just the word brings a kaleidoscope of visions.
Everyone has it or wants it or is confined by it. The source of pleasure and pain, ecstasy and sorrow, throughout generations of war and peace. How easy it is for the most level-headed, experienced, and intelligent individual to be tossed into cresting emotions with the slightest provocation.
What is the source of the mysterious power of sex? If we look rationally, and perhaps a bit boringly, at the prospect we see merely a noun. It is not yet an experience. We perceive two sexes – male and female. We can see this not only in human existence but also in animal life. We can even begin observing plant life, minerals and gases. The botanist will describe the two necessary qualities for plant life to exist as an aggressive action and a receptor. For gases and minerals to combine there must be a negative ( receptive) charge and a positive ( aggressive) charge in the atoms and molecules which compose these elements. Even in the nervous system we find both qualities of aggressiveness and receptivity as they conduct nerve impulses throughout the brain and physical body. This enables the correct message to be recorded in our brain and sent to the appropriate senses.
So, when we are speaking of sex, we’re really talking about those receptive and aggressive qualities as they have physically manifested into woman and man. Have you ever wondered why there aren’t three or four, ten or maybe just one, sex? If we consider that in order to create anything there must be these two qualities, we may begin to answer that question. Within each individual we can see both qualities being expressed. In true communication we see the potential of balance of these qualities. So whether we use a male or female physical body does not necessarily dictate our totality as individuals.
It has its influence, however. That is what we will explore in this final portion of Going in Circles. We will stop travelling on the circumference and delve into the center of an age- old pleasure and problem called sex. Parents spell it when children are around, and that creates part of our problem. There are so many restrictions inflicted upon the growing child and maturing adult that it’s a wonder anyone can ever reach physical satisfaction. We’ll explore that too.
What we will find in exploring this arena of controversy and activity is that something we’ll refer to as the “O.S. Concept” is often the culprit. What’s O. S.? Most of the time it is perceived as an unfortunate necessity of life. Sometimes we see it as a burden. With this section perhaps we can begin to see it as the myth it has become.
THE “BURDEN” OF O.S.
Why do we experience confusion, egotism, embarrassment when s-e-x is involved?
We’ve explored different areas of loving and each have a place in a sexual relationship. Our emotional trap concerning sex often stems from the recesses of our unconscious programming as children, provided by culture and society. In the Western world we are indoctrinated through parents, teachers, ministers, physicians and even advertising executives that there is a definite division between male and female roles. If you are biologically a woman you are: the wife, the mother, the supreme maid and chef, the secretary, the alluring, sensual being, useful and snaringly attractive to men. Maybe you are even the passive, “little woman” standing in the shadows, pushing the big man in front of you. Similarly a man is: the provider, the husband, the father, the executive, the head of the household and State, the strong, decisive conquerer and yet naive controller of women. Even when societal roles are changing, integrating and focusing more on the individual first – we find remmants of a prolonged, physical history of specific male/female roles. The present changes are merely a reflection of the individual attempting to define Self as a being,not merely as a male or female. This perspective initiates and leads each person to delve into Self in search of a clearer understanding for the purpose of existence. Discontentment with role playing without conscious attention of understanding eventually leads to a recognition of your compulsive behavior – and it is increasingly true that the reasoning individual is more and more dissatisfied with facades that do not reflect the inner thoughts and desires. You become increasingly irritated with questions that have no answers. The thinker inside you knows there are always answers to the questions you consciously create.
Curiously, this inner urge to express Self in an honest and open manner, casting all facades aside to leave no part of Self “protected”, is basic reason you desire sexual communication. The intimacy experienced between male and female during this process affords many the only avenue they recognize to fully express the Self. Of course, this often is the ideal or fantasy which never quite becomes reality. For many, “it reads better than it lives”. But part of the mystery of sex lies in society’s imagination that sex should be or could be the one sacred communication in physical existence. It is this attitude which often clouds the vision and disrupts your ability to attain the openness and honesty desired.
As a child you were taught to view sex in a variety of ways. You were instructed by parents that certain parts of the anatomy are to be consistently covered, that virginity for the female indicates respect and dignity, and experience for the male leads to prowess and satisfaction. In spite of the new sexual freedom you cannot discount the impressionable mind of the child exposed to these concepts. Depending on the education, economic status, religion, and geographical location of your childhood, you were exposed to a variety of double standards, restrictions and permissive attitudes, as well as threats and promises. Paired with the early exposure to the “original sin” idea and all its implications, the child continually absorbs the soft sexual sell of advertising, the ecstasy of passionate lovers in movies and on television, and the first explorative attempts of his own sexuality. You begin to form a concept that sex is pleasurable, enjoyable, and even fun but in the back of your mind, somewhere in the unconscious, stirs doubt and confusion that it is actually wrong, embarrassing or sinful. The original sin (OS) hangs like a dense fog through which you’re endlessly looking for light.
It is that basic idea of original sin, even for the atheist, which often causes the mental and emotional blocks which keep the mature, sexually – active person from experiencing the joy of sex. Somewhere in the back of your mind still lies the question, “Is it really right?” In order to remove these blocks you must understand their cause. The essence of the OS idea undoubtedly is linked to the religious concept but to understand the source of this you must look deeper. With the religious emphasis on fear, suffering, and guilt, which subversively denies you respect for Self as a reasoning being, you find a trap for the attention to be focused on only the physical aspects of man. Stimulating the emotions, you find the root cause of the effectiveness of the OS concept to be a fear of pleasant experiences. In essence what you experience should through those standards only bring joy, peace and contentment after prolonged suffering and repentance. The entire concept of being born in sin shows no respect for the individual – no recognition of satisfaction through accomplishment. This concept of the individual being in error from birth sets a compulsive pattern for this lifetime which can only be broken through your conscious desire and reasoning. This pattern, if allowed to continue, manifests not only in the sexual activity of the adult but also results in consistent discontent with occupation, income, family and friends, community and government. The effect is:
“ I have to keep working so I’ll get a promotion – then I’ll be satisfied”
“ If I have $100 more a month I can afford the new house then I’ll be happy”
“ If I can give my parents grandchildren they’ll stop nagging me and my friends will accept me, then I won’t feel guilty.”
“ If I move to New York, I can get a better job then I can live up to my potential”
“ If we get a new president we won’t have to battle inflation and then I can buy what I need”
“ If I end this relationship thenI can find the person who will really make me happy.”
With these examples of thinking patterns, you can see the cyclical nonproductive nature of continually seeking contentment from external sources. You can begin to see how the OS concept not only effects your sexual expression but your entire outlook of your Self, your relationships, your world. If you do not see value in your Self today, how can you recognize it in the world around you?
OS, of course, hits hardest at its target, your sexuality. Our views of sexuality are much the same as the statement we related and for much the same reason. We tend to place our attention only on the physical aspects of sex becoming trapped by a variety of emotions stemming from the OS idea. Since the OS concept is based on the interpretation of the sex act being the fall of mankind, it would make sense that that train of thought keeps your attention on only the physical aspects of sex. This becomes:
“ I can’t seem to be satisfied, if only I could meet a more experienced lover”
“ I can’t seem to relax during making love, if only my spouse would take more time”
“ I can’t be sexually satisfied now, but when I meet the right person”
“ I never seem to reach orgasm and I hate to fake it.”
When these thoughts become predominant in your patterns of thinking, you can be assured that your attention is bound to the physical experience of sex. You feel an incompleteness of expression. You’re never satisfied. You keep hoping what you desire is around the next corner, or in that new job, or waiting in the next city. You are miserable in your search for happiness. Your attention is linked to the physical ego always wanting to take what you think you might deserve. But do you deserve it? You allow doubts of your ability to perform or satisfy, or doubts in your capacity to be satisfied, to control your attitude. Once again it is not your pleasure you are concerned with but the pleasing of your partner.
Or guilt begins to question,
“Is it the right think to do, the right time, the right person?”
Or self pity enters with,
“I will never find what I’m looking for; what wrong with me?”
Or fear enfolds us with,
“Maybe he/she won’t like me, or doesn’t love me, or maybe we’ll create a child we don’t want.”
The list of reactions is endless. Each one creates a seed of doubt – opening the avenue for that old habitual way of thinking – you don’t deserve the pleasant things in life. It’s wrong. It’s a sin. Yet, isn’t a great deal of your time spent in trying to please others? How can you honestly know how to please others unless you’ve experienced pleasure and understand what that experience entails? Maybe the pleasure you want to give is actually painful to the receiver. Each negative thought comes back to the lack of the positive attitude – goal, purpose and activity. The cause of this cycle of negativity is really one question, “ Do I deserve to receive something pleasant?”
A corresponding fear accompanies these doubts. As with most fears this stems from facing the unknown – the fight or flight syndrome. Unfortunately,most choose in their own manner to flee. This fear brings you back to honesty. If you are to open your Self totally in the sexual experience what will you find? And almost more importantly, due to your doubts or worthiness, “What will my partner think and do with what she/he learns? Will what I experience and express be used against me? Will I say something I don’t mean? “ So you hit the core of your fear – the feeling of vulnerability. This fear stems from a lack of understanding and respecting your Self. Ironically, it might seem, it is this same fear – manifesting as a desire – which continually urges you to experience sex. It is the negative or receptive quality of fear continually bringing those experiences you do not want but need for fuller understanding; and the positive or aggressive quality of desire bringing the experiences you do want, which create a part of the same duality and balance we have discussed in relationship to sex. This is similar to the love-hate axis we have examined earlier.
You can begin to logically see that desire-fear is an axis on which your life can habitually revolve until you use your reasoning faculties to begin consciously creating what you desire. By the same use of reasoning you can begin to understand your fears. This axis is actually the inner urge we have to create – to experience – to gain understanding – to make our world profitable and peaceful.
Creation. The most obvious purpose for sex is procreation, or the continuation of the species. As we have expressed before, it requires both an aggressive and receptive act to create something new. The process is obvious in our knowledge of human biology. Yet, in recognizing this we begin to see where the attention has been placed. We are merely looking at the physical manifestation of sex. How does it relate to the emotional, mental, and spiritual part of man? Is it completely separate from these? Of course not. With the desire – fear axis in mind, combined with creativity, you can begin to view the sexual experience as one of the most beneficial experiences you can have to learn about your Self.
You can begin seeing that you can cease to operate from the fear, guilt, and sorrow syndrome of the OS and choose to use your mental creativity in discovering and opening many doors within your Self. You can begin to face many of those doubts and through the experience of exploring your own mental, emotional and physical capabilities overcome these through understanding. You can begin to understand the essence of aggressive action and receptive waiting in your own creativity. When you begin to view sex as an opportunity for all parts of Self to express, you begin to remove the emphasis from the physical act and place it on the total experience. When this expression becomes part of the goal within a sexual relationship, sex becomes not only a physical pleasure and release, but an emotional, mental, and spiritual stimulus.
As you learn to become receptive within your Self, you discover the individual is not merely a physical brain and body, but a vibrant,intelligent, intuitive being. You begin to learn to give and receive not only with your partner but within your Self. You begin to see you do have much to give, but you also deserve to receive for in receiving you grow and expand enabling you to give more. The cycle continues. This creates a balance which in turn creates honesty. There’s no more to hide. There’s no more vulnerability because you continue to gain strength. You begin to respect your Self.
This balance of aggressiveness and receptivity that we can begin to see in intercourse is merely a reflection and outward manifestation of the mental and emotional process necessary for contentment in Self. While we experience the outward male/aggressive and female/receptive qualities, a similar process is occurring within each individual. Each one of us has the capacity to use both qualities. Because we have chosen a specific sexual role, does not imply we have chosen to forfeit our ability to express either quality. Rather our choice implies a desire to explore life experiences from one of two viewpoints, much like we might decide to have wealthy parents rather than poor, or be born in the country rather than the city. Undoubtedly in viewing societal, cultural, and governmental attitudes, the probable experiences of one sex will be entirely different from the other, each affording unique opportunities. But if the male were totally aggressive and the female, receptive – no learning could take place for either. Mentally, this male would continually initiate activity but lack the ability to receive and digest the experiences. The female would be constantly waiting for activity, being unable to give and losing all sense of control. But, of course, this is not the case. Each individual has mind to use. This mind, whether using a male body or female body, has the capacity to initiate thought, desire, and activity as well as digest and store the information and understanding obtained. Our mind works with both aggressiveness and receptivity.
UNRAVELING THE O.S. CONCEPT
It is also the use, or misuse, of your mind which creates many of the blocks you experience in trying to find sexual fulfillment. Before we explore some of these blocks we need to find the area of mind that houses them. If we return for a moment of the OS idea, we will begin to study its origin from an entirely different angle. The OS concept rests on Adam being the first physical man and Eve being the first physical woman. It then expands to encompass a crafty, intelligent snake ( a clever disguise of Satan) tempting the poor misguided woman into eating the fruit ( the proverbial apple) causing awareness of nakedness and eventually the necessity for offspring. This entire story is impressed upon us by a host of Western Christianity groups as truth all the way down the line. Physically.
However, let us for a moment take a bold step to look at the basics of this story from not a physical viewpoint, but a mental viewpoint – as it could apply to each individual here and now. If we make this shift, we must decide what Adam,Eve, the snake and the tree of good and evil ( from which came the veritable apple) might represent to us.
You have begun to view your Self as mind, reasoning and intuitively gaining insight into the workings of that mind. You have seen how your attitudes create the relationships you develop – positive and negative. If you are indeed a reasoning, intelligent being, then it would make sense that any question you can conceive must also have an answer. Through our search for many of these answers in relationship to how and why we love, we have covered many valuable and logical points. Now let us give the same respectful reasoning to the OS idea.
Let us consider that Adam,Eve, et. al. are not chronicles of the first physical man and woman but referring to each individual. If God, or the creative intelligence which brought us into being, did make us in His image and likeness, could this signify that we were first created spiritually and mentally before becoming physical beings? Consider this in relationship to what we have discussed. Refer back to the importance of thought as the causative agent and catalyst for any physical effect. In this way we must agree that thought does and did come first. Consider this in relationship to the creation of the universe. Thought was first. From this point we might consider Adam to represent the subconscious mind and Eve, the conscious mind, not only in order of their appearance, but also as a reflection of the outward push in mind toward full physical expression and experience. In this way the subconscious mind ideally would be aggressive to the conscious mind, which would be receptive to those inner thoughts and desires. We might consider the serpent to be our own ego. We’ve explored this “demon” in relationship to our own masochistic and sadistic behavior. The tree? When children reach the age of beginning to recognize good and evil, they are beginning to reason. They begin to be responsible for making correct of incorrect decisions. This ability could be the inner meaning of the tree of “good and evil”. Heavy material? Yes, but if the ideas can begin to intrigue, stimulate and clarify many of those old misconceptions it is worth pursuing.
With this new concept under contemplation, you can begin to place the OS concept in a more proper perspective. You can begin to see that in the formulation of any creative idea is both an aggressive and receptive act, even before this idea becomes a physical reality. It is part of our habitual nature to take things for granted. For instance, in our present day mode of living, you enter a room and flip a switch expecting the room to be filled with light. It is only when your expectations are not met that you begin placing conscious attention on this phenomena. Yet, over a century ago this was not conceived by most people. In earlier times the sun was the only source of light, then fire added some illumination. But now, because several individuals would not take no for an answer, we have the luxury of entering a room and taking electricity for granted.
This tends to be the mode of thinking and behavior for most people. We take things for granted. We become lazy in our thinking. And we are irritated when our mind should work but doesn’t. But consider, a muscle which isn’t exercised would scream if it experienced overexertion. Your mind will do the same. You tend to take for granted your intelligence, your will, your creativity, your uniqueness as an individual. You work from believing rather than building a knowing within your Self. You experience elation and depression continually, doing nothing to control this cycle. You’re never sure what is “right”. The insecure ego wins out. These habitual patterns of insecurities are housed in your conscious mind.
It is the unconscious part of the conscious mind which blocks your fulfillment as total, expressing individuals. Anytime you function from habit you push conscious reasoning aside. You don’t think. We’ve discussed the unconscious mind in relationship to situations in Part II. In sexual communication, these habitual patterns are most frequently manifested as a lack of satisfaction. Once again we are chasing the elusive sexual fulfillment or orgasm.
THE ”RESIDUE” BLOCKING SATISFACTION
In reviewing what we have considered in this chapter, total sexual communication requires the attention, energy and intelligence of the total individual. All three divisions of mind can become stimulated. If you consider what we have discussed in relationship to the subconscious and conscious minds you can see that the desire is planted in the third level, or innermost part, of the subconscious mind and begins gaining more energy as it moves out to the conscious mind. As this sexual desire continues to grow and manifest in each level of mind it becomes more potent and gains the attention of the conscious mind. When this desire to express in an honest and open manner reaches the emotional level it is ready for manifestation and begins moving into the conscious mind. If there is any “residue” in the unconscious mind, it causes reverberations back into the emotions stifling expression, honesty and physical fulfillment. It is not the emotions that are your trouble, but those seemingly inconsequential thoughts, like the imbedded OS idea, that you have repressed in your unconscious mind. It is only when you find your Self in a situation such as desiring full sexual communication that it rears its angry head. It must be noticed. It must be understood. Once these thoughts are brought into the conscious mind and understood they lose their effectiveness to cause disruption in your desires. Remember the desire – fear axis.
What types of attitudes in the unconscious can cause your failure to reach orgasm? Consider the impotent male who desires the “other woman” but in his unconscious lies doubt and fear. “Is it really right? What if my wife finds out? What if I decide I like this and want to change my marriage? What would it do to the children if they found out? What if my new lover decides she wants to publicize the relationship?” The doubts are as numerous as people. These ideas stem from the unconscious mind until they are accepted into the conscious mind. At this time you have a choice, either explore this fear, or push it back it back into the unconscious mind. If you push the fear back it will appear again in the future to cause similar results.
Other possible causes for lack to sexual fulfillment?
For a male these could be:
– Will my partner be satisfied or will I fail to please her?
– What will my partner do tomorrow? Will it be the same as it is now?
– Will my performance live up to my expectations? Her expectations?
– What if I get venereal disease?
– Do I want her just because she reminds me of my ex-wife, my mother or first grade teacher?
– If I do this what gives me the right to expect my wife/ love not to?
Let’s explore these statements individually to find their cause and which of the nine keys is missing or imbalanced. With concern about pleasing his partner, this male is still shacked by the OS concept. He is unsure that he deserves to receive so he compensates with concern over what he is giving. Rather than giving what he thinks and feels, he is getting caught in the trap of wondering if it’s worth giving and if it will be received. He needs to cultivate the qualities of laughter and communication.
Worrying about the future. With worry over the future, the male’s attention is not on the present. He is not focusing on what has been built and how the relationship has evolved to the present situation. He experiences doubt that this is real. In many ways our friend is caught in a fantasy. He needs to cultivate the qualities of love, laughter and integrity.
Expectations. We get caught in them so easily. Here we find a combination of the first two. This combo tends to cause the most disruption in sexual satisfaction for the male, probably because there are many imbalances. Hence he needs to cultivate love, laughter, integrity and communication.
Venereal disease. One of the “prices” ( as we’re told) we sometimes pay in our desire to express love completely with another person. If this is a concern blocking the fulfillment, the male is lacking responsibility. He is refusing to see this could be a possibility in any relationship. Rather than ask and be”safe”, he’s willing to allow it to stop his expression in the situation causing him to “be sorry”. He needs tolerance and adaptability.
Faces from the past. If our male is concerned with this partner reminding him of someone else, he’s worried about repeating a previous error. He’s afraid he didn’t understand it the first time, and probably didn’t like it then either. So now he wonders if he wants to let history repeat itself. He needs to cultivate love, tolerance and adaptability.
Will my partner do the same. Doubt. Our friend is experiencing the fears of losing one relationship because he’s starting another. He is lacking respect for his own right to make choices as well as doubting his value concerning his first relationship. How solid is it? He needs to cultivate love and involvement.
Each of these examples shows a significant shift in attention from what can be shared in this relationship to merely the physical implications of the situation. These, of course, should have been defined before you ever got to the point where physical satisfaction isn’t coming. But due to your continual search to explore and discover your Self, they do arise from time to time. If you take these thoughts and make them productive, the situation cannot only be salvaged but perhaps be one of the best times you’ve ever experienced. It will not arise again, if we gain understanding. You can open those doors with your Self knowing that the understanding and wisdom of much experience, trial and error, and practice will be at your beckoning. It is only in the unconscious and conscious mind that you find those disturbing thoughts which create your blocks.
Now let’s explore some typical feminine problems in reaching full physical satisfaction. The root causes are the same, but the causes and effects are often different. As we’ve said before each sex has unique and separate opportunities presented to it. Therefore a woman might experience:
– Maybe he won’t respect me … maybe I won’t respect myself
– What if I get pregnant?
– What if he’s misusing me? Maybe he’s not serious.
– Maybe I was wrong. I don’t want to do this, but what will he think?
– Do I really want this, or do I just feel sorry for him?
– What if it doesn’t last?
– What if I really enjoy this?
With the question of inner and outer respect, we find the female concerned has a tendency toward self condemnation. She is also concerned with the judgement of her partner. She lacks a purpose in this situation. She needs to cultivate love,involvement and integrity.
Pregnancy. The female who fears pregnancy is following the same line as the male who fears venereal disease. She has not been responsible in preparing herself for this venture. She needs to cultivate tolerance and adaptability.
Misuse. This is caused by the same fears as lack of respect. Our friend is experiencing doubts of her partner’s intentions which reflect her own lack of purpose. If she had an idea what she was doing in this situation, there would not be a need to immerse herself in doubts about what he’s doing in this situation. Both of them would know. She needs to cultivate integrity and involvement.
Is it wrong. Here again we find the OS idea imbedded in our friend. She is experiencing doubts about the correctness of her decision. This reflects a lack of responsibility. fear of the partner’s disapproval, and doubt of her value in being able to change her mind. She needs to cultivate love, communication, tolerance and adaptability.
Feeling sorry. Here our friend is revolving on the desire-fear axis. This and the situation above are probably the most relative causes for female rapes. There is a desire not to be in control or not to have to take responsibility. It is also a reflection, in this case, of self-pity and trying to justify the involvement. She needs to review love, laughter and involvement.
Will it last? Concern over the longevity of the relationship is linked to the fear of change in our female and her partner. Adaptability and tolerance are imbalanced here.
Enjoyment. The fear of enjoying the experience is linked to the OS and “do I deserve to receive pleasure?” The woman may also manifest this problem as the result of a fantasy of being an “insatiable female”. This leads to never being satisfied, either way, and is caused by a desire to be in control. Laughter, communication and involvement need attention.
If you can honestly review these examples and relate them to what you have discovered about the nine keys to a satisfying relationship, you can begin to find your sexual involvements more fulfilling. When you begin to take these erroneous thoughts which drift through mind and put them to work for you, you erase many of the fears and doubts. When you look at your relationships honestly, you can begin to see why you experience more pleasure with one partner than you did or do with another. You can begin to see where your own imbalances are concerning the nine keys. When you seek to bring these into balance, you improve, the relationship improves, and your partner improves. You begin to stop repeating errors in judgement and move forward. You evolve in understanding and are able to express your Self more honestly and completely. You stop going in circles chasing the elusive orgasm.
FRANKLY, MY DEAR
To this point we have viewed love relationships in a number of ways. We’ve looked at the problems and offered some solutions that can work; however, it may be time to ask your Self the question, “Is it really worth it?”
Many people develop an “I don’t give a damn” attitude following experiences of disappointment and “loss”. For this reason we must now, having come this far in our expanding thoughts, begin to look solely at the possible purpose of experiencing love, as it applies only to you as an individual.
In our continual push to find the “one person” with whom we can live “happily ever after” the question arises at sometime, if not many times, why does this seem to be a driving urge in everyone? Why, indeed.
First, we can look at the historical implications of love and sex. They’re often said in the same breath, just as love and marriage used to be a standard inseparable phrase. Part of this is no doubt due to the tendency to look upon childbirth as being the ultimate manifestation of love between male and female. Yet we are still looking outside our Self to find the answers.
It is indeed significant that societal attitudes reflect this view point, but what does that mean to the individual? You might consider that the physical experiences are a practice ground for the total Self. As you experience and gain understanding of those experiences, you add not only information and knowledge but wisdom, much like a child who touches a hot stove learns to test the burner in the future before placing his hand on the surface. The problem in your love relationships exists when you continually live in your fantasies avoiding the obvious and beneficial aspects of your experiences. For this reason you continue to make your Self miserable because you rarely seem to learn anything from one involvement to the next.
In our discussions on sex, we have opened a new topic concerning the importance of the subconscious and conscious minds as well as beginning to look at sexual intercourse in a different light. Now you can begin to expand on this and bring a clearer understanding of why you experience love as you do. In the picture language of the subconscious mind, as in dreams, everything imaged by the subconscious mind can be viewed as aspects of your Self. An aspect can be viewed as a characteristic or trait, a way of expressing or thinking. Regardless of the specifics of the aspect ( whether it is indicating the qualities of honesty, deceit, gregariousness, shyness, habit or reasoning, etc.) there is one thing that never changes – if you are male and your dream of males this is a reference to an aspect of your conscious mind. The same is true of females dreaming of females. However, if you are male and you dream of females, this will be an aspect of your subconscious mind. The same is true of females dreaming of males. So here we have the aggressive and receptive, the male and female, in a picture language. What is it saying?
If you consider a physical marriage to be that of two individuals working together to achieve common goals, then in relationship to the individual alone, there would be the aggressive – male aspects and receptive – female aspects with the same potential for harmony; the same potential to work together to create a whole,functioning Self. When these aspects work together, goals of the Self are realized and manifested. When this begins happening within the individual, there is a feeling of contentment because the reliance and dependency upon the external environment ceases its primary importance. At that time the primary goal becomes one equally selfish and unselfish. The goal becomes to understand your thoughts, how they work, how they manifest, why these exist, where they stem from, and how you as an intelligent, reasoning, and intuitive being can direct these more profitably.
In this continuous process of new self discoveries, you improve, but also those around you improve. As you learn and grow in understanding there is an equal concern for others to find the same growth and stimulation you are obtaining within your Self each day. At this point, you take greater care in the way you think, act and speak. You become a greater influence on those around you because you begin knowing the power you direct with each thought. Your perception of “love” changes as well. It no longer is a driving and urgent need to find love relationships that are satisfying, rather it becomes a choice, for you and the individual you become involved with. As you experience thoughts, emotions, situations, you begin viewing these with perspective. You begin understanding more fully how you are working with your own subconscious mind, merely by observing the relationship you are physically involved with. You begin growing much faster as an individual, as the relationship itself grows. The physical relationship becomes an exact mirror of what is transpiring within your Self as an individual. It becomes one of the best opportunities to understand that total Self – if you are aware of its offering.
If you can begin seeing love as understanding, and use the qualities explained earlier in this book you will take the first step to truly recognize and build this point of view within your Self. It is not something that is build overnight, rather it takes desire and practice on your part to expand your thinking to begin considering your Self in this light. The process is not only possible, it is probable as society as a whole moves forward, desiring answers to questions often ignored, but never forgotten.
Where does sex come in? We’ve discussed briefly the Adam and Eve version of creation as related in the Bible. To fully understand the purpose and meaning of sex is a continual process of recognizing your own ability to create – anytime, anywhere, anything. This means overcoming fears, doubt, prejudices, and the host of other unconscious attitudes each of us have hidden in our minds.
Esoterically there has been much said and written about the kundalini energy within each individual. This can most easily be related physically to the nerve flows through the spinal column. These nerves tie information to and from the senses to the information stored in the physical brain, but these physical nerves have counterparts in each part of mind. Physically the nerves work with the seven basic ductless glands in the physical body, mentally the energy flows work with what are termed chakras. Chakras are merely transformers of energy, much like a typewriter is a transformer for non-physical thoughts to become physically written words. This intricate and stylized system offers each individual the creative avenue. But it is only the avenue. It is the intelligence of each individual which sets this avenue into action.
When this energy is used for physical purposes it is channeled through sexual intercourse. The results of this direction of energy can be sexual fulfillment or orgasm, as we’ve discussed before. When this energy is channeled toward your desire to create mentally, the result is a mental “orgasm”. You might consider this as the “high” or the feeling of exhilaration experienced when you realize something you’ve worked very hard to understand. Imagine the exhilaration a child feels when riding a roller coaster, or Einstein’s amazement at realizing truths about the universe, or the elation the United States experienced when World War II ended. These examples are not necessarily an emotional “high” but a deeper, more understanding experience of accomplishment.
As you begin to incorporate into your sexual experience this type of understanding of the energy you are using, you begin appreciating your own faculty of creation, within your Self. If you can physically create the body for a child through sexual intercourse between male and female, consider what can be done within your own conscious and subconscious mind. The physical experiences are the best gauge you have to understand the workings of your own mind. It is not coincidence that in working with the subconscious picture language, or dreams, children represent new ideas, or new ways of thinking.
If you can begin to observe you own actions, you can learn about your total Self – each part of mind and how it functions. When you have the basic alphabet and numbers for the conscious mind to use, you can build your proficiency in constructing sentences and doing calculus. By being aware, watching,observing, reasoning and using your intuition, you can begin knowing the true meaning of your relationships. Their real importance to your total Self, their significance to why it is indeed worth it, and why you can and always do, give a damn. This is not only the importance and purpose for your consistent urge for love and sex, but the key to experiencing that same love and creativity within your Self.
THE TRAUMA OF YOUR “PERSONAL LIFE”
When you start to realize that sexual communication is not your only avenue for honesty, you begin to see everything in a creative perspective. Sure, you can learn a great deal from the sexual experience, but what you experience there is not limited to only those kinds of situations. In other words, you no longer become trapped in the idea that “the only place I can really be me, be free, express totally, etc. is in the loving arms of my partner”.
If you truly are honest with your Self in your relationships then this honesty becomes a part of you. It is not restricted to your dealings with this partner, but becomes an integral part of the way you think, speak and act.
Its effects show in every area of your life. You begin to appreciate your Self as an individual, as well as a male or female.
In this process of becoming your Self, you begin to honestly express in any circumstance. The changes you implement and direct in your Self through the relationships of love and sex form a stable foundation to more fully express your ability to create the type of world you desire. Your world begins with you and emanates from you. You alone create your attitudes about that world – you job, your friends, your boss, your parents, your children, your partners, even the backup on the crowded freeway. You have the right to choose your response to these situations. If you learn to balance the nine keys in your relationships you also balance them in your attitudes concerning these situations.
It is always interesting to hear people talk about their “personal life”. It’s as if they’re putting a “keep out” sign on a very significant and mysterious part of themselves. Most people who entertain this concept, do that very thing. They keep a part of themselves which no one ever knows. It’s called a desire for mystique. A desire to be desirable. Keep them guessing.
Some of “this part” that people are covering or keeping on hold is opened to a select few. However, what happens when that select few is no longer there? Here we have to return to Part II and review just about each chapter, especially those on possessiveness and security. When you’re separating a part of your Self from any activity, you are not functioning as a total Self. The results of this are insecurity, depression, jealousy, disorientation, and a host of related experiences.
In essence what we are exploring here is the tendency to want to divide your “personal life” from your life. Most people are talking about their sex life when they use the phrase “personal life”. But when they talk about it in such a manner, everyone can guess this is what they’re referring to, so what is it really accomplishing? If you are using your loving sexual relationships to build into your Self the qualities you desire, and these do become a part of your total Self, then doesn’t everything become your “personal life”?
Also consider, that the times this phrase appears the most is when there is an emotionally, unconscious sore thumb. “This is mine and you can’t see”. For whatever reasons, it is possession of a feared weakness or vulnerability which we’ve explored in relationship to sex. This also applies to any situation.
When you decide to become personally involved with your growth and development as an individual, you cease drawing lines between what is personal and what is impersonal. Everything is both. Each attitude concerning a situation is personal because you want to gain something form it, or you want to be able to express your creativity to its fullest extent. It is also impersonal because you want to hold a proper perspective and maintain a sense of objectivity so you can see the total picture.
So, the next time you start drawing lines on what is your “personal” and what is not your “personal” life take a minute to review your attitudes. Are you really gaining the most from every situation? Are you being objective and subjective? Are you cheating your Self by insisting you are vulnerable? Are you hindering your creativity by expecting only certain situations to allow you to totally express your Self?
Your sexual involvements can teach you how to honestly and openly express your creativity. However, if you insist upon allowing your Self to go in circles you run a treadmill of consistent heights and lows, never reaching balance. When you can learn to create this circle as a cycle evolving into a spiral, you move up and out of the routine. You become an attracting, magnetic force. You cultivate what some might call animal magnetism, simply because you’re not afraid to say “this is my personal life and I’m going to create something magnificent from it”
You now have the ideas and a means to practice them so what are you doing reading this? Start loving!
In our search for clues to the mystery of love and sex, we’ve found them to be everything the poets and writers imagined them to be. Delirium. Fulfilling. Scary. Funny. Irresistible. Maddening. Encompassing. Heartbreaking. Beautiful.
Whitman stated in “Song of Myself”: “Love is a kelson of creation”. You’ve begun to see that the mainstay of support in love is your Self. You’ve realized you can express love fully, completely and joyously. All this and balance too.
Through this search, you’ve discovered the necessary keys to a satisfying relationship. You’ve found that these are not based upon external issues – the right person, time or place – but rather upon your own desires, attitudes and actions.
You’ve found that the more defined you are in the type of relationship you want, the more solid your creation will be. And the more accurate it will be when it manifests. Undoubtedly, if you want Paul Newman or Jane Fonda the chances of reaching your goal is slim. But you need to see where your attention is placed in creating this desire. Your intention is not on what can be built through a relationship with that person – it is on that person. With this cloudy idea, you would never know what to do with Newman or Fonda if you got them.
What you really desire is what these personalities symbolize – glamour, maturity, power, money, status. Yet, even behind these thoughts are the hidden qualities of confidence, magnetism, value, respect, and accomplishment. These are the true objectives of this goal. And you can just as easily find this opportunity with John or Mary – if you’re looking for it.
You’ve learned to focus your attention deeper, to not take your Self or anyone else at any face value. You have learned how to balance your Self and the relationship through those nine keys. You now know how to accomplish what you desire and how to deal with sexual experiences when bells don’t start ringing.
“You’ve discovered you are not alone in your experiences. That there are others who share similar desires and fears. You have found ways to recognize these in your Self and harmonize them with your goal. You’ve even exercised your mind in answering some old and new questions.
All this merely because you wanted to understand your relationships. Someone I know used to say “When in doubt love.” It seemed like a handy way to avoid a situation at first, but if you take into account all you have realized, the value of this phrase will become apparent.
Since love is a magnetic, attracting force, if you use it in times of doubt or fear you will find the source of your pleasure and pain as drawing together. In this way it becomes manageable. It’s a size you can understand and begin to channel. Also, by placing your attention on love during these usually difficult times, you can begin to obtain a clearer perspective of the situation.
So the next time you find your Self scaling the heights and plummeting to the depths – all to find balance – remember you don’t have to go in circles to find that satisfying relationship. When you have your goal and purpose in mind you begin guiding and directing your activity in a straight line. As you experience you understand more. You create a fulfilling cycle of giving and receiving within and without your Self.
I send my Circle of Love.
© School of Metaphysics, first printing July 1979, Aug. 1987
Copyright© 2002, School of Metaphysics